Page 19 of Yearning Difficulties

I sniffed, pushing another strand of hair away from my face. ‘Oh, no. She moved away. She’s not in Lake Pristine any more.’

‘Oh.’

‘And so that’s when I started eating lunch by myself. Before I got with Dave and his friends, that is. I’d been so wrapped up in Max I didn’t have any other friends. Neither did she. But . . . it’s so much harder now than when you’re little. With Max, we would parallel play a lot as kids. I’d write or organize my dolls and toys. She’d build Lego. We never needed to analyse our friendship. She wrote poetry. I fucking loved her poetry. I could never get enough of it. Now I don’t really know how to find that with someone else.

‘You know,’ I added. ‘She started the rumour that there was a mermaid in that lake.’

‘I’ve heard that rumour many times,’ he replied, smirking. ‘Good for her.’

‘Anyway. You remind me of her a bit. And I don’t know. I need your help with your mother but I think I also want to help you. I’m terrible at keeping friends but . . . I actually do the girlfriend thing pretty well. I can play that part for as long as you need. Then you can pretend-dump me in a spectacularly dramatic way and get all of the breakup credit.’

Killian gave an uneasy laugh. ‘Well, it would definitely piss off Dave Valvert.’

I grinned at that. ‘Correct.’

When an awkward silence fell between us, I spoke tentatively. ‘And look. This Mystery Girl of yours? You can tell her what’s really happening. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of—’

‘No, no, no, no,’ Killian said, abandoning the porch swing. ‘Me and her, that’s never going to happen.’

‘Oh, okay,’ I studied him. ‘Why?’

He stood with his back to me and for a moment, I wondered if he would even answer me. He was staring out at the lake, contemplative. It still surprised me. Until recently, I’d always written him off as an unserious jester. Someone who took pleasure from verbal sparring. Someone without an ounce of sensitivity in his body.

But when he finally answered me, there was a whole storm of emotion in his voice.

‘For a start, she doesn’t know I exist,’ he said. ‘Not in the way I want her to, anyway. God, I want her to know me. The actual me. Not just obnoxious, annoying Killian. And secondly, she’s, uh, unattainable for someone like me.’

As the words landed between us I felt a twinge in my heart. A small whispering voice told me that this whole scheme might potentially end in tears. Whoever she was, he spoke about her in a way I’d never heard any boy speak about a girl. He spoke reverently.

No one had ever spoken about me like that.

I found myself wanting to lighten his mood. To make him smile.

‘I see,’ I said gravely. ‘She wouldn’t date a guy who lives in a shack like this?’

I gestured to the mansion and it was Killian’s turn to give an enthusiastic laugh. The sadness in the air melted away like frost

‘Touché.’ He offered me his hand and when I took it, he hauled me up until our faces were inches apart. ‘Let’s pretend we’re going out then. But tomorrow, we talk ground rules.’

‘Sure,’ I said. ‘I promise not to get attached to you.’

He laughed again. ‘Yeah, I’ll hold you to that.’

Seven

Red Cherries

Today’s Track: ‘Naked in Manhattan’ by Chappell Roan

We exchanged numbers after dinner and on Saturday, the following day, I agreed to meet him outside Oregano’s for a full debrief about what we would and wouldn’t do. I was wearing a short maroon skirt, white tights, brown heeled boots and my white fisherman’s sweater and I was sipping at a takeaway coffee from Vivi’s Bakery while waiting for Killian.

Just as I was about to text him, I spotted Priya, Sterling and some of the other girls from my old friend group coming out of the pharmacy. They were walking with linked arms, screaming with laughter about something. Priya looked up and caught me watching, so I forced my face into a mask of friendliness. I even waved but Priya only gave a half-hearted gesture of greeting in reply. Sterling watched the whole thing and then loudly said, ‘Priya, you don’t have to do that now. We don’t need to pretend she isn’t weird any more.’

I knew she’d meant me to hear. I turned around, wishing I could evaporate. Once I was sure they were gone, I fiercely wiped my eyes and threw the takeaway cup into a recycling bin.

The unfortunate thing about Lake Pristine was that you were always running into your regrets.

‘Zee!’