Page 103 of Yearning Difficulties

My breath was visible in the air whenever I exhaled.

‘Why didn’t you ever tell me?’

I had so many questions but that seemed the most pressing. He sat down next to me and when he answered, it felt like an electric shock.

‘I didn’t want you to reject me. I knew you’d do it in the nicest way. Or maybe you’d try and go along with me. Just to avoid making me feel bad.’

I released a hollow sound. ‘Fuck you, Kill.’

‘Zella, you felt sorry for Dave Valvert. Of all people! You gave him chance after chance. I watched it happen. Your heart’s too big. I didn’t want to be another stray you tried to bring in from the cold.’

‘You didn’t even give me a chance. Instead you lied about a whole bunch of stuff.’

‘Red.’ He looked like he was in pain. ‘Come on. You knew. Deep down, you must have known.’

‘Don’t put that on me, Killian. I didn’t! And any time I started to suspect, you’d push me in another direction.’

He looked up at the stars and then out at the shining water. ‘I love you, Zella.’

He said it so plainly. As though he was explaining his weekend plans. Or telling me his date of birth.

‘I love you,’ he repeated. ‘I’ve loved you since last Halloween. And you had no idea that was me. I said something to you in English, the Monday after that party. You gave me a polite nod of acknowledgement. You had no memory of me. Or if you did, you didn’t feel the same. So I acted like an ass. To you, and to Dave. Until you finally got away from him. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being dishonest. But I don’t want to be a physical distraction for you when you’re sad about Max. I don’t want to be someone you use to get back at Dave.’

‘That was never what was happening,’ I breathed, staring at him. ‘You know that, Kill.’

‘And I let us pretend for a while, because I wanted to make you happy but also because I had to know what it felt like. Being with you. And not being someone you were ashamed to be seen with.’

His face was suddenly close to mine and I wanted him so badly, even though I was so mad at him.

‘Pretend for me, Red?’

He kissed me. It wasn’t like any of the other times. It wasn’t slow and wet like the first Halloween. Or dazzling like the second. It was passionate. It was deliberate. It made me sigh gently against his mouth.

‘Killian.’

‘Let me down tomorrow, Red. Just let me have right now.’

I wanted to laugh and cry. He was convinced of his own ugliness. Not in his face and body, but in his soul. I wanted to howl at all of the people who’d backed him into that corner, who’d sharpened a tongue that was capable of such beauty.

I kissed him firmly and he grunted, pulling me on top of him as he lay back on the beach. He flipped us over and I wrapped my legs around his middle. He tasted so good and I knew that I was only able to lose myself so completely with him because we were so similar. Both too quick to believe that the harsh sketches of us, drawn by neurotypicals, were actually self-portraits.

I wanted him to know he was beautiful, and that I knew it. That I was overcome, every time we were together.

‘Oi!’

His mouth was still moving against mine when I heard someone yelling. It didn’t matter. They didn’t matter. I sighed and pulled him closer, sliding my tongue against his. His deep groan only spurred me on and I pressed my open palm against his heart.

‘I said OI!’

We finally pulled apart, drunkenly blinking against a sudden onslaught of torchlight.

It was Marcia and she looked pissed.

‘You’re still wearing one of our costumes,’ she snapped at me. ‘You better not be getting fluids on it.’

‘Gross, Marcia,’ I said flatly.

Killian stood up and helped me to my feet. I crossed the beach to Marcia’s side, ready to follow her back to the arena and return the costume. She grumbled and growled as we set off, and I cast a longing glance back at Killian.