Page 115 of Unapologetic Love Story

‘I’ll never publish. Never. There’s nothing to publish. I won’t put any of that in a single thing I write, Raina. Never. None of it is what it seems. I can explain, sweetheart. Please.’

‘Tonight has’ – she staggered forward another step – ‘devastated me.’

‘I know,’ he pushed out, and his voice broke slightly upon the admission. ‘But I’ve never had ulterior motives. None of this has been pretend, Raina. Not a moment of it. It’s been twisted.’

The thing was, she believed him. He wasn’t a liar. But his horrible friends had humiliated her, and she couldn’t bear to see the pain in his face.

‘I’m getting security,’ Pepper yelled, turning to run back to the house.

Tom paid her no attention.

‘You need the answer to that one question,’ Raina said flatly, raising her eyes to look at him. ‘Right?’

He said her name in a broken voice and tried to hold her face with both of his hands, but she pushed them away. His touch was still too much for her.

‘You need that last little piece of me, Tom. Well, here it is. Why did I start the podcast? I started it because from the moment I knew what it was, I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to get all of the things neurotypical girls had. Girls like me don’t get that kind of escapism. Neurotypical people have everything, including fantasy and escape. How many times have you seen a love story with a girl like me? Probably never. You’d have to search like a fucking explorer. I wanted to find that. I searched everywhere. I made a space for people like me. Where we could say these things without being ridiculed. Without the majority being disgusted. Where we could bolster each other. Where things could be how they should be, not how they are. We could be ourselves. Not the narrow, pitiful paintings of us that people like to make. We could be women. Not inspiration porn. Not cute little memes. Not burdens. Not any of the shit people think because they don’t know any better. I wanted to be part of the whole fucking world, not just a small, sad part of it.’

She felt a solitary tear fall.

‘I made it to escape. To find a home somewhere that wasn’t where all of you are. Write that down. Because, right now, I’m realizing I should never have left that place. This shit follows me everywhere. A jealous friend with toothpicks. A snotty reporter. Teachers that ask you to come and be inspiring for their students. Then they tell you, “Oh, you’re far too articulate to be autistic, I think”. It follows you wherever you go. It’s fucking endless. And I was done. Fucking done. So I tried to make something beautiful. Knowing you’d all come along and try to rip it up anyway.’

Solana suddenly drove up on the gravelled driveway, at the other end of the grounds. She tooted the horn and waved agitatedly. Raina wiped her eyes and started walking towards the car.

‘Please,’ Tom called, and he sounded as close to breaking as she was. ‘Raina, I—’

‘I’m not the imposter here, Tom – you are,’ she said. ‘This isn’t about some story you were or were not writing. You let those people who you think are your friends act like you’re the same as them, when you’re not. You’re better. You’re a small-town boy from a poor family who climbed his way up through effort and talent. And I love that boy. I’ll probably always love him. But you’re pretending. For all of them. For your agent. Your editors. None of them know, do they? And you like it that way. See, until now, I thought you were better than all of them. The best of them. I never believed any of the shit some people throw your way. Now . . .’

She picked up her shoes and started to run towards the car, all of the sobs in her stomach just waiting to burst free. He followed her.

‘Raina, you’re right. About everything. I wanted to write about how different you are, in the best way. You’re the antidote. Don’t you see, you’re my antidote. To all the poison. I need you. I can’t be without you. I fucking can’t. You’re in me now, that’s it.’

Raina felt her chin tremble as she tried not to sob. Every instinct wanted her to go to him. He looked completely unmoored.

‘I love you, Raina,’ he said brokenly. ‘Please don’t leave. Please. I won’t let you leave me because some jealous arsehole tried to fuck up the one good thing in my life.’

‘You said you’d do anything for a story. I just didn’t know that meant me.’

He moved towards her but withdrew when she flinched away. ‘I know you must think this is just like all of the other times you’ve been let down—’

‘No,’ Raina interjected brokenly. ‘This is so much worse, Tom. I just had your Cambridge drinking buddy read out the ugliest things people think and say about people like me, in front of a room full of strangers. Because she got it from you. Did you all have a laugh about it together? I can take the world laughing at me – it’s why my circle is so small. But I let you into that circle.’

He was the circle. And that tore her apart.

‘I had no idea she was going to do this. I didn’t even know she’d found my notes. Fuck! They’re not even notes; they’re threads. Bits of nothing.

‘She spoke about my family,’ Raina said, sounding like she was losing her voice. ‘How could you write that?’

‘It was a stupid note to follow up on something Solana said.’

‘Don’t blame my sister.’

‘I’m not. It’s just . . . It’s hard to explain how I work. How I live. I put everything onto that board, every thought and every feeling. It’s my head written out and it’s totally fucking private. Don’t punish me for the inside of my head, Raina. You know what that’s like.’

‘That’s why it was always my place?’

‘I know how bad this looks. I was writing about you but then I stopped. I stopped when we slept together. I would never write anything about you unless I thought you would love it. You’re too important to me, Raina. That’s why you’re up there!’

‘I didn’t want to love your work, Tom; I wanted to love you.’