Page 59 of Last Destination

The slightest squint revealed a flicker of irritation, but he smoothly masked it with a blink.

“I have never had options, ángel, and they are of no interest to me now. But you choosing me is not my priority until you feel back to yourself. And three days into treatment is no time to be making these decisions.” He shot a look at Nikki, who refused to shrivel under the glare but clamped his mouth shut all the same.

“I care about all of you.”

The sharp burn at the back of my nose meant tears were coming, no longer controlled by sheer will, so I made the impending waterfall worth the release.

“But caring isn’t enough. Half the time, the pain of losing the people I love is so consuming, I don’t want to exist anymore.”

Salty water dripped into my mouth at the admission, and my vision blurred while I stifled my words between sobs. “Is that what you want? To be tethered to someone so broken? Maybe one day I’ll actually do it. Then what?”

Nikki broke the no-contact standoff, sliding into the bed beside me and wrapping his arms around my arms and legs, cradling me like the broken doll I was.

“Why do you think you made it out of the jungle, baby girl?” He whispered the words against my temple. “You. Don’t you see?” He tilted my chin up to let me see his own eyes shining with emotion. “All this time you thought you were fighting to die, when you’ve been fighting to live. You’ve been looking for reasons to live.

“Let us be your reasons, baby girl. Please be my reason.” His lips pressed a gentle divot into my forehead. The earnestness of his words shattered my heart into too many pieces to put back together.

“I can’t be anyone’s reason for anything, Nik.” I pushed away from him and crawled back into the central seat I’d taken against the headboard and wiped my tears with the plush feather duvet. “Charlie was my reason. Papa was my reason. Mama —”

My voice broke, and I buried my face in the pillow to catch my breath.

“Just ... give me some space.” I spoke the words into the linen, and they came out disjointed and muffled, an ironic open expression of my internal landscape.

A knock came at the door. I pulled the pillow from my eyes, and our heads whipped toward it in unison. Jamie stood at the threshold, wide-eyed with guilt. A blush was spreading across his neck.

“Um, awkward timing, sorry.”

He shuffled into the room, but he didn’t avoid my gaze, choosing instead to scrutinize me like he was looking for signs of something underneath my skin. He looked so much better after a few days of food and a shower, but he still held the weight of his choices on his shoulders like Atlas.

“Hey, Marl,” he murmured softly. “You okay?”

Breathing an aggressive breath through my nose and out through my mouth, I nodded, tear-stained and likely as red as his sunburn, holding the stare of the old friend and mentor who’d fallen victim to his own vices.

“I’m okay now.” I murmured, even though it was barely one version of the truth. I was alive, and clean, and no longer seeing a ghost, but we — the four of us — were the furthest thing from it. “Thank you for helping to get me here.”

“It was the least I could have done.”

His eyes dropped to the floor, and he sniffed hard before raising his gaze to mine again.

“The car will be here any minute to take me to the airport,” he declared, a sense of finality in his tone. “It’s going to be weird not being in the driver’s seat, but I think I’m okay with that after last time.”

“Do you think you’ll ever fly again?” I asked quietly. I knew my answer, but I was curious about his. I still had no memories of the crash, and according to Madman, they’d probably never return. Jamie had experienced it all in living color. Would he get behind a yoke again?

“Marl, there’s no way they’ll let me fly again after my testimony. I’ve made peace with that.” His lips pursed into a thin line, the shadowed gaze of regret filling his features. “Nikki’s lawyer thinks I may negotiate immunity, but that won’t get me my license back. I made mistakes. I’m ready to face the music.”

He turned to the guys, sticking out a hand for Madman to shake. Madman stared at the hand with thinly veiled interest before clamping it in his own. “You are forgiven, hermano. Get home to your family.”

Nikki pulled Jamie into his arms for a man hug, holding him tight and clapping him on the back. “Get home safe, captain. We’ve got a company to tank.”

Ambrose took Jamie’s hand in a short, professional shake. “Family is everything.” His Adam's apple bobbed hard as he swallowed back words he seemed to want to say. “Get back to your boys. We’re giving our testimonies when Marley’s fully recovered.”

We were? A wave of relief crashed against the shore of anxiety. I shook my head to clear them both. Today wasn’t the day to address that problem.

Jamie turned toward me and held out his arms, offering a hug. He held them loose and open, his eyes kind and non-expectant.

I shuffled toward him and gripped him fiercely when I reached the end of the massive bed. I couldn’t tell him I forgave him. I didn’t know if I had. If we never spoke again, I wouldn’t mourn him like I would have weeks ago, thinking he’d been lost in the jungle all alone. But I wanted him to see the family he’d left behind. I wanted him to live a life without the jungle haunting his every step.

I was ready to let go.