Page 151 of You Fall First

“I’m not worried about HR,” I say. “I’m worried that I ruined everything by forcing you here.”

“No, if anyone’s at fault in this situation, it’s me,” she insists. “But I was thinking maybe we could just decide not to put blame … anywhere.”

I nod, unable to speak. She’s right that pointing fingers or getting frustrated over past miscommunications won’t help anyone. Maybe if I’d expressed myself better years ago, I wouldn’t have held on to the paralyzing guilt over not being there when my parents needed me.

When Paige needed me.

Since then, I’ve shouldered the responsibility of holding our family together. I almost don’t know who I am if I’m not trying to take care of everyone. All the time. But maybe that never was my burden to bear.

Either way, Paige seems ready to set me free.

And I probably need to free myself too.

“You only wanted to help,” she says, digging straight into my fears and dragging them into daylight. “You did help,” she doubles down. “Because I’ve got a new plan that I never would’ve come up with if you hadn’t gotten the whole life-change ball rolling.”

“Wow. Okay.” I blow out a breath, force a sharp laugh. “I’d love to hear how something I did in this situation actually worked out.”

“While I was stuck at Annie’s place, we figured out that we get along great as roommates. She’s got plenty of space, and she adores Dutton. Splitting rent two ways is cheaper for both of us. So this isn’t just good for me. Annie benefits too.”

I run a hand along the back of my neck, not wanting to bring up the elephant in the room. “What about work?”

“Annie’s a sales consultant at this bridal salon in Southampton. It’s called Buttons and Bows. And her boss is looking to expand. They want to hire me, Noah.” The shy smile on my sister’s face speaks volumes.

“You like that idea,” I say. Not a question.

“I do.”

My mouth quirks. “More than working the night shift at a memory care community?”

“Selling on commission will be a different kind of challenge.”

“More stress, maybe.”

“Yes.” She tilts her head. “But growth too.”

“Mama?” a small voice squeaks, jerking our attention to the hallway. Dutton’s standing there in his pajamas, his hair a riot of tussled bedhead. “I need water. Please.”

“Sure, baby.” She hurries to fill a glass, then walks him back to his bedroom. Meanwhile, my heart disassembles itself one painful cell at a time.

Dutton.

I love that kid with every fiber of my being, and I’ve loved Paige more than myself since the day she was born. Rent and work and finances aside, my underlying goal in moving them here was simple. I needed my family back. Whether or not my parents put those wishes in their will, I know that’s absolutely what they would’ve wanted, too.

What I wanted.

What I still want.

I’m the one who left home in the first place. We’re apart because of the choice I made. To put us back together, I can’t expect Dutton and Paige to make sacrifices I’m not willing to make. The truth is, I could pick up and move back with them tomorrow. But that means leaving Jo.

Or asking her to leave her family.

Chapter Forty

Jo

Morning sunlight spills through the curtains and across my bed as I read Noah’s text for the thousandth time.

Give or take.