Page 32 of Claimed By the Cowboys

I laugh softly, wiping at my eyes.

“It’s ridiculous, right? Asking you for advice when you’re not even here. But you were always the brave one. The fun one. The impetuous one who followed her heart even when it got her into trouble.”

I pause, letting my fingers linger on a rose petal.

"Mama’s worried I’m going to go the same way. Every time she looks at me it’s like she’s trying to preempt my fall from grace or worse. I know she’s panicked about losing me too. I understand why. You and Daddy went too close, and now it feels like the damned reaper is lurking in the corners of our house just waiting for us to make a wrong move.”

The wind whistles through the trees overhead, rustling the leaves. I sit for a long time, the pink roses pretty against the gray stone, my heart aching with love and fear and longing as the sun touches the horizon and the light changes.

“I don’t know what to do, Jas. I want them, so much it scares me. I’m greedy with wanting them for myself. But I have the kids, and mama.” I rub my hand over my face, swallowing down emotion, missing my sister so much it burns. “I’ve built this life, trying to keep everything together. How do I choose between being responsible and being happy?”

There’s no answer, but I know what Jasmine would have said. She’d have squealed with glee and told me to go for it. Life’s short, she would have said. You gotta seize it by the balls while you can. She never walked the safe path.

She should be a cautionary tale, but instead, I’m jealous that she got to be exactly who she wanted to be, even if it was only for a while. She didn’t know Derek was going to crash the car, but she knew he was reckless and went with him anyway.

I stay until the sky turns deep purple, and I know I have to leave.

On one side, my family waits for me to come home. They wait for my reassurance and care. On the other side, two men wait for me. They wait for my softness and surrender.

I’m never going to be fully comfortable in either skin. I can’t leave my family behind for love. And I can’t continue treading water without burning out and forgetting the woman I am beneath all the burden.

I climb to my feet and stand at the foot of my sister’s grave. The flowers bring color and life to the gray, and I’m grateful that Jensen’s choice of flowers was so perfect for a man and woman he’ll never know.

“I think I’m falling for them, Jas. And I don’t know how to stop,” I admit to the air.

A bird calls in the trees that surround the cemetery, like an answer I don’t know how to decipher.

I brush my hands over my scrubs.

Maybe I can have both for a while and keep the line between my lives carved deep.

Maybe I can be what everyone needs and find a little space for myself in between.

Chapter 17

Bo

The horses are tired, and so are we. We’ve been out since before dawn, and dust coats my clothes and my skin, and every muscle in my body aches in that satisfying way that tells me we did honest hard work today.

Jensen rides beside me on his buckskin gelding with his hat tipped low against the setting sun. The ranch house comes into view as we crest the last hill—the barn, the corral, and the wide front porch I love.

There’s a car parked near the house and someone sitting in my rocking chair.

My heart slams against my ribs so hard I nearly lose my seat.

It’s Brandy.

She’s still in her light blue scrubs, soft from too many washings. Her thick curls are pulled up in a messy bun, a few tightly curled strands loose around her face. She’s rocking slowly, one foot pushing against the porch floor, staring out over the pasture. The fading light catches her brown skin, making her look as if she’s radiating warmth and light.

She looks like she belongs there, waiting for us to return.

I can see the future so clearly: her belly swollen with our child, a glass of sweet tea in her hand, and maybe a novel open on her lap. I want her in soft flowing dresses or comfortable pants in bright colors that suit her instead of those tired scrubs. I want her relaxed and safe in our home.

Jensen lets out a low whistle beside me. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

He doesn’t need to say anything else. I swing down from my horse, and my boots hit the dirt with purpose. Jensen takes the reins from me without a word.

“I’ll see to the horses,” he says, voice warm with understanding. “Go on.”