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“Does she love me?” Her doe-shaped eyes were innocent the hurt behind them is what broke a nigga.

“Of course, she love, loves you, she just don’t know how to show it. She loves all of us and soon she’s gone get better.” I kissed her forehead and tried my best to reassure her. Although my mom should feel and see the effect, she had on all of us. I sat holding Passion, feeling like it was all my fault. After getting her calm and picking her clothes out for the day I went back to the living room and saw Luv and my mom sitting on the couch. I stood listening to their conversation.

“You got to get off those drugs mommy. Teddy doesn’t cook like you and we be missing you.” I wanted to laugh because I really couldn’t cook for shit, but the girls ate whatever I provided because they didn’t like being hungry. Luv was old enough to know what moms was on. Passion still went along with me telling her our mom was sick and I thought Luv still thought that too until now. She boldly expressed herself and I could tell from my mom’s posture that she felt bad as hell.

“You look good now mommy. Those drugs make you look old, now you look like a hot girl.” She snapped her fingers and smiled. She put too much gel in our mom’s hair and had it in a loose ponytail. My mom had on black leggings, and one of my big ass pro club shirts. I could smell the dove and baby magic lotion in the room.

“I look like a hot girl, Luv?” My mom smiled.

“Hell yea.” Luv cooed with her bad ass. For once it felt like we were that one happy family that I envied from my peers at school. Shaking off the thought, I made a quick breakfast and got a little happier when Passion emerged from our bedroom to sit next to our mom and talk. Her voice was always low and very timid but to see my mom interacting with the girls. She wasn’t high but I was sure within the next hour she would have that strong urge to get high. I just prayed this time around she fought it and brought her ass back home.

“After all that getting our hopes up and shit, she failed us. She almost got raped in front of Passion which I still think fucked my sister up to this day. She almost got Luv raped then she couldn’t seem to forgive herself for that stunt. She fell harder on drugs which crushed a nigga spirit even more. What broke me bad was her being selfish and never giving or showing me that me and her daughters was worth her really fighting her addiction and getting clean. Her ass went and died, Sovereign ain’t that bout a bitch?” I wiped my face as Sovereign rubbed my chest. I could smell Roberto’s perfume as he put his arms around Sovereign and pulled me along with him. My mind felt heavy, and my heart was bleeding out. My conscious kept telling me to let it all out and that’s what I did.

I cared too much like Roberto said. I didn’t want to care at all about what outsiders or anyone thought of me. I gave shit my all and constantly tried to show fairness and realness. I always displayed my strength and led by example because I didn’t want my sisters to ever think I was incapable. I wanted them to look up to me and see that I was going hard to give them the love that I never received. I think I fucked up worse by thinking that I can fill that love with Jocelyn. Its why I seemed to have a hard time getting her betrayal off of my mind and heart.

“I really loved Jocelyn and then she let me all the way down with drugs. The same thing that killed my momma. I wasn’t good enough for her or my moms and Jocelyn taking me through years of not knowing how it even felt to get affection from a bitch romantically only sexually and that was even barely there. I was always understanding. I wasn’t some horny paid ass nigga forcing her to fuck me.” Sovereign moved back and we all broke apart. Tears stained her and Roberto cheeks as she used her hands to wipe mine away.

“I was scared of breaking; I swear I was so close to breaking. Then Era…. I don’t know…”

“She came at the right time with the special remedy. Don’t feel ashamed about that. You’re reluctant with her because she’s new. You feel some shit in your entire being like she’s meant for you. Like God sent someone to help renovate all the things that has kept you down and under from destruction of others like your mom and Jocelyn. Follow it and just know that I know that it’s real. I experienced that with my husband and I’m happy I didn’t fight it. Both of y’all know all the disloyal shit I’ve been through from my own blood. I still regret not killing Empress when all she ever ended up doing in the end was killing herself with drugs and guilt. My relationship with my father is back like it was. I feel like I was better off thinking the nigga was dead.” Sovereign blinked back more tears and quickly wiped them away.

We all stood cleaning our faces and wiping our tears away. This heart-to-heart moment made me feel like boulders were being removed from my shoulders. Sovereign dealt with a lot of heart ache. I witnessed her transform over the years and become a totally different woman. The hurt and betrayal that her family had caused her couldn’t be survived by the strongest individual, yet she overcame that shit. That’s why I always looked up to her and loved her like a big sister. She had my back since day one.

“Oh man. I need to call my wife and husband for that chileeee. God sent me a double blessing and I’m out in these streets just playing around. I’m going to go shower and my room then call my pilot and tell him to gas the jet. I need to go home.” Roberto wiped his face, pulled out a makeup compact mirror and eyed himself long and hard making sure he looked picture perfect. Next, his dramatic ass tossed his hair over his shoulders. Pulling his cellphone out of his hot pink shorts he walked into the house with the phone glued to his ear shutting the door behind him.

Sovereign and I looked at each other and doubled over in laughter. She eyed her security and frowned.

“I should fire y’all.” She smiled and patted my shoulder. “Teddy got me out here looking weak and shit.” We both laughed again. I felt lightheaded from crying so hard. I didn’t realize how bad I needed that shit. Hell, we all needed it.

“Alright, well you and your girl in there got some shit to discuss.” We said our goodbyes and I headed back in to see Roberto sitting back at his small desk with nail supplies talking with Luv like he didn’t just say he was leaving. They were so deep into their talking that they didn’t even notice me pass them to go into the guest bathroom to clean my face up. I was ready to go have a talk with Era about what it was we needed to do moving forward.

Chapter Twenty-Six

ERA

I hated that I was so nosey, but I wanted to know more about Soulful. Sitting around his family and the way he broke down the whole situation between his wife and him, made me realize that we both had gotten hurt. When Sovereign asked for them to just talk alone, I respected that and left. It was perfect timing to retreat to Soulful’s room because my stomach was back on ten and I was hugging his toilet throwing up.

It was not in my plans to snoop and listen to anything until I heard the front door opening. I went out onto his nice big balcony and sat down in the chair for air and that’s when I heard him pouring his heart out. It crushed me and had me tearing up. I was so mean to him without even getting to know why he decided to even sleep with me. We both had the same feeling when it came to feeling connected and attracted to each other on the day that we met.

This entire situation had me feeling a little weighed down from all the what ifs. Finding out that Soulful was divorcing his wife had me feeling better about me sleeping with him. I didn’t want to appear like a homewrecker or some side chick because I was not raised that way and I couldn’t stand females who proudly slept with other women’s men thinking that shit was cute because it was far from that.

When Soulful disappeared back in the house, I knew he was on his way up. I hurriedly went back into his room and laid across his king size bed like I was resting. His room smelled so manly and good, like the cologne that he wore. His room décor was dark forest green and black. I loved all the room that his private space had. If this was my room, I would never leave out of this space unless I had to.

Soulful walked in with squinted accusing eyes, it looked like he already had known that I had been listening in on his conversation. I wouldn’t say anything about it if he didn’t. Soulful was so massive in size. Very muscular and bulky, he had a little gut on him with a smooth brown baby face. His beard looked like he kept it oiled and his lineup was sharp and crispy with waves dipping in one direction. You can tell the man was paid but he had this super calm and humble aura about himself. He didn’t let the money give him one of those snobbish fucked up attitudes and I was appreciative of that.

“Have you been to the doctor yet?” His brown eyes stared into mine. The fact that I knew he was just crying, and the evidence was clear from the red tint in his eyes, moved me to stand and walk up to him. My hands trembled because I wasn’t that good when it came to this kind of thing.

“I kind of listened in on what you were outside talking about, I’m sorry for intruding into your privacy but I want to give you a hug. I hope that you also pray and give your burdens to God. It’s okay to be vulnerable and in doubt sometimes.” I bit my bottom lip out of nervousness. This was the part when I was supposed to hug him. I kind of froze up and he sensed that I was a little reluctant. He pulled me into his big strong tatted arms and hugged me tight as I put my arms around his neck, struggling on my tippy toes to embrace his large frame.

He bent down allowing me to readjust and pull him in tighter. I let my fingers caress the back of his head and before I knew it, I started trailing kisses up and down his neck up to his cheek. He kissed all over my shoulders and neck as well, until our lips connected then our tongues started the conversation. I was so turned on by how tight he was holding on to me, his hands grabbed so much of my ass that it felt like he was lifting weight off my back.

I moaned while his tongue overpowered mine and got lost in the sensation of the feeling of Soulful hands roaming my body.

“You tryna get fucked, huh Era?” His deep ass voice had me moaning, eyes fluttering looking up into his deep set of eyes. “You my baby momma, so that means… I’m the only nigga that can fuck. Fuck you raw and uncut at that.” He grinned wickedly making my pussy drip with each word he spoke.

“Tell me baby momma, is you tryna get fucked real good then I feed you and my baby afterwards so we can have a conversation about you being pregnant and all that other good shit.” He slapped me hard on the top of my ass, making my shit jiggle. “All this muthafuckin’ ass. Thick as fuck, pussy got to be thumpin’ and wet by now, take this damn romper off so I can see how wet I got you.” He leaned forward and licked the exposed part of my neck.

My hands moved like he was in control of them. I slipped out of my spaghetti straps and rolled the entire romper down, until it formed into a puddle at my ankles. I thanked God that I wore a matching black lace bra and panties, I felt hella sexy standing in front of him exposed. Soulful licked his thick cinnamon lips and let his eyes roam my entire body.