Page 74 of Counting Down To You

Before I can think of something, though—would you’re a lot to lose too be completely idiotic?—Leo is speaking again. “But you’re right. He should have been there, through the ugly stages. That’s how it works—someone should want to be with you at the worst times as well as the best.” And that, I think, was always the kicker. He’d liked me well enough when I was “fun,” but as soon as things got hard, he hadn’t thought I was worth staying with. “Which is why I said it was good that he’s not tracked you down again. Because you deserve someone better than him.”

I feel a lump pressing at my throat. I close my eyes, let it wash through me. “Thank you,” I murmur. And this time it feels like the right thing to say.

It is quiet between us for a moment. One of the groups inside has turned up the music, Mariah Carey belting it out at full force. I’m very aware of how close we’re sitting on the swing.

“What about you?” I ask.

“What about me what?”

“Have you ever had an Adam?” He’s already told me about his reputation, and the implication that he’s not exactly a long-term relationship kind of guy. But I want to know, if he’s ever come close. If there’s ever been anyone he regrets losing.

He hesitates. “I’ve sort of been an Adam, I guess. Not the breaking-up-with-someone-when-they-need-me part,” he adds quickly. “But I was with someone in my early twenties, probably the most serious it’s ever been. We were together less than a year. Her name was Bethany, and she was great. We met while I was working in Costa Rica, learning to surf.”

I can’t help laughing, thinking back to Cal’s suggestions of what I should do on sabbatical, during our pinot grigio–fueled evening. He raises his eyebrows at me, his lip quirking into a smile. “What’s funny?” he asks.

I shake my head. “Sorry. It’s just…of course you learned to surf in Costa Rica.”

He grins. “I’d recommend it, if you ever get the chance.”

“I’ll bear that in mind. But, sorry, you were saying? Bethany was great.”

“She was,” he agrees. “And I think she wanted to be in it for the long haul. But I broke up with her, as soon as I started to get that impression. I used the excuse that I was going to be moving to a new place soon, but really I just didn’t want to end up hurting her. And, believe me, I’m fully aware of how pathetic that reasoning is. I suppose that’s the closest I’ve ever got—I genuinely liked her. Loved her, even. But I stopped it, before either of us could get in too deep.” I say nothing. It sounds a little like his comment about not having close friends. Like he’s very adept at keeping people at arm’s length. It doesn’t feel like he’s doing that with me, though. It feels like he is letting me in, piece by piece. Is that all an illusion? Is he going to turn round and put a barrier between us, once all this is over?

People only see me one way, he told me, at the beginning of all this. I didn’t used to care that much.

But now you do?

Now I do.

“She’s happily married now,” Leo says. “Bethany,” he clarifies, when I look at him. “So it was the right thing to do, probably. But I hope that if I’m ever lucky to be in the position where I really fall for someone again, I won’t use the same excuse to run away.” His gaze holds mine as he says it, in a way that makes my heart stutter. I feel it, that current of electricity, passing from him to me where our legs are pressed up against each other.

“Leo?” I say after a moment of silence.

“Hmm?”

“Are you staying here tonight?” I immediately flush and am grateful for the dark. “Or, I mean, you’re not heading back like Gabriel?”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” he says, his voice almost determinedly casual. “Need to get Betty and Louisa back for their flight tomorrow, right?”

“Right,” I confirm.

“So I’ll see if they want to ski back—if they do I’ll take them on a quicker route, and the guys can either join or get the lifts back with you?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Though knowing that it is accessible via lifts would have made me much less panicked this morning. “But it’s just…” I hesitate, then plow on. “There’s only one room left. With one bed—the sisters have the twin.”

“One of the sofas pulls out. I’ll sleep there and make sure I’m up before everyone. It’s no problem.”

I nod, trying to control the disappointment. I could point out that Betty and Louisa think we’re a couple, that sleeping separately might look odd. But I don’t want to force him to stay with me if he doesn’t want to. And despite what he just said, and the implication behind it, our two weeks is nearly up, isn’t it? This was all a temporary arrangement. So if people notice that we’re sleeping in separate rooms that only paves the way for us to “break up.” There will be no more pretending between us. Which will be a good thing, I tell myself. It will mean I stop reading into things that aren’t there.

“Maybe we should go back inside,” I murmur. “Check they’re okay.”

“Yeah,” Leo agrees. “Maybe.”

But neither of us moves. I can make out the lines of Leo’s face in the dark, can see his brow, gently furrowed as he looks down at me. I wish I knew what he was thinking. The swing has stilled, I realize. We’re both just sitting here, staring at each other. My pulse jumps against my wrists.

I want him to kiss me. I don’t know what it means that he doesn’t make the move. But, then again, he’s also not moving away.

Do something that scares you.