Page 92 of The Christmas Letter

‘You’ve made that up,’ Holly shouted back.

‘I have not.’

‘Aren’t you supposed to be deaf at your age?’

‘Well, that says something about your ability to hold a hushed conversation, doesn’t it?’

Holly looked back at Jack, and there were tears in her eyes.

He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stand seeing her like this. So he crossed the kitchen, put his arm around her. He felt her stiffen, briefly. Then she sighed, her body relaxing a little as she rested her head against his chest. He stroked a hand down her hair, still tangled from the wind outside, felt her loosen just a bit more.

‘It’s not fair,’ she muttered.

‘I know.’

She sighed again before pushing back away from him and dashing a tear from her cheek. Then she squared her shoulders. ‘Fine. I can get on the bloody enjoying-life bandwagon.’ The way she said it, through gritted teeth, was so at odds with the words, that it made him smile.

‘You don’t have to sound so excited about it.’

She got a mug down from the cupboard and scooped some instant coffee into it. Then she glanced back at him. ‘But if that’s what we’re doing, then Emma’s right – you can come to the damn wedding.’

Chapter Thirty

Dear Lily,

I’m going to Abi’s wedding tomorrow. I know you don’t actually know Abi, which is completely bizarre, but I’m excited about it. Excited – and nervous, because I want it to be perfect for her. I’m also nervous because Jack is coming. I’m going to have to be really careful not to be alone with him, and not to drink too much and definitely not to dance with him. Though come to think of it, the dancing might not be much of an issue – seeing me dance will probably put him off me.

It’s making me think a lot about your wedding, about the night before, when you couldn’t sleep, do you remember? I stayed up with you, because you didn’t want to be alone in the hotel room – you said it felt weird without Steve. You were so worried you wouldn’t sleep at all and you’d look all puffy for the wedding day, and you made me talk to you non-stop. I can’t remember what I talked about – nonsense babble, I’m sure. But it worked, and you fell asleep before me. It makes me wish I could go back to that night – go back and appreciate how easy it was, between us.

I’ve also been thinking of when I called you, while I was in Venice. I remember the way I heard your name over the phone and do you know what it sounded like? I only realised when I was back from Venice, because I was so distracted with what happened after Emma collapsed. But it sounded like a waiting room. That sort of formal voice, calling your name. I realise it could be anywhere – lots of places have waiting rooms, I suppose. But the one thing I keep coming back to is a doctor’s surgery. Were you at the doctor’s, or is that just me, catastrophising? I wish you’d tell me what’s going on. I think Mum would tell me, if it was something serious. I hope she would.

I wish you could tell me what I can do to make things better between us, Lily. I asked Mum what to do at first, and she told me to give you space. But I’ve tried that. And I’ve tried getting in touch with you, even just through Mum and Dad, but they’ve always said you’re not ready.

I wish you’d reply to these letters – but that’s never going to happen, is it?

Because I can’t even work up the courage to send them.

Love,

Holly

Under the grand marquee, Holly sat on a table at the edge of the black-and-white-squared dance floor, watching as Abi and James started their first dance to an Irish song, sung in Gaelic, one that Holly didn’t recognise. Abi had told her that she’d never heard it either, before she and James listened to I’m not kidding, babe, literally two thousand songs. Given the wedding was in Ireland – about an hour away from Dublin at Clonabreany House, a brilliant manor house with grounds for miles – and there seemed to be a disproportionate number of Irish wedding guests, Holly supposed an Irish first-dance song made sense. It worked, too – there was a live band, with the female singer now singing fluently in Gaelic, the violins and bass backing her up effortlessly. The music was slow and soft to start, and James, looking incredibly dapper in his tux, the stubble grazing his chin a little more neatly than usual, took Abi into his arms like she was the most precious thing in the world.

They’d had the actual ceremony in the woods on the grounds, Abi and James saying their ‘I do’s under sunlight filtering through golden leaves, the sun just warm enough to keep the chill autumn air at bay. After that they’d moved to this gorgeous white marquee, where four chandeliers hung from the ceiling, along with white and silver paper lanterns. Each round, white-clothed table was adorned with white and purple flowers, along with a multitude of glassware for the many different drinks on offer, and the candles in the centre of each one now flickered as the light outside began to fade.

The music changed, becoming a little quicker, more upbeat, and James spun Abi in a circle. Abi had been nervous about this dance, Holly knew – she thought it would be awkward, getting up in front of everyone – but now the nerves must have gone completely. The old adage of a bride glowing on her wedding day definitely made sense when you looked at Abi. She’d taken some of the pins out of her chestnut hair after the ceremony, as the hairdresser had told her to, and her curls now bounced around her shoulders. Her dress suited her perfectly – long-sleeved, rising high around the neck and dipping low down her back. It was an off-white colour that suited her skin tone, and her shoes completed the picture, or at least would until Abi switched into the pumps she had brought along for when her feet started to hurt.

After another few seconds, Abi broke away from James and gestured to the room at large, encouraging people to get to their feet and join the dancing. Abi caught Holly’s eye and jerked her head, and Holly got to her feet obediently. She scanned the marquee quickly. Emma had been sitting next to her all afternoon and had proved a useful buffer between Holly and the overly interested Rob, one of James’s ushers – a cousin, according to Abi – who was now leaping to his feet enthusiastically. Emma had gone to the loo after dessert had been served and while everyone was waiting for the next thing to happen. Holly couldn’t see her anywhere, but she did see Jack, who was sitting at a table in the middle of the marquee, his back to the entrance, where white drapes were tied neatly at the sides, ready to be dropped if it got too cold. Beyond that, it was still just light enough to see the gardens and the stone house they’d all used to get ready in this morning.

Jack met Holly’s gaze almost instantly, like he’d been watching her, the now-familiar jolt running through her. Abi had said she would try to adjust the seating plan so he could sit with Holly and Emma, but honestly, her friend had been nearing breaking point and rearranging the seating plan had seemed like too much to ask. So after the ceremony, where Jack and Emma had sat together, with Holly up at the front in her pastel green bridesmaid’s dress, Jack had gone to his assigned table and Holly and Emma to theirs. With that and her bridesmaid duties, she’d barely spoken to him. Not that it had stopped her stealing glances at him whenever she could. Because, Jesus, did he look good in a tux.

‘Emma?’ she mouthed, to explain why she was looking over at him.

He gave a cursory glance around the marquee. ‘I’ll look,’ he mouthed back, and gestured for her to go to the dance floor, to Abi. Holly nodded. He’d find her, make sure she was ok. She was sure that was part of the reason he’d agreed to come – making up for lost time with Emma. Not that Emma was holding any sort of grudge. It was odd: despite the fact that she surely couldn’t be feeling well, despite the fact that she was living with the knowledge that her life would come to an end soon, Emma was clearly happier than she’d been in a long time.

Holly made a beeline for Abi, who was now bouncing around with her sister. It gave Holly a pang – she and Lily had been like that at Lily’s wedding, the only other time Holly had been a bridesmaid.

Abi clasped Holly’s hands as she reached her. ‘Did I look awful? I bet I looked awful.’