Page 46 of Stanton Unconditional

9

Natasha

The call of the kookaburra echoes through the still street outside as my eyes slowly open. I look to the window and see the faint red glow of the sunset peek through the closed blinds. Jeez, I feel like shit. I rub my eyes as I try to focus. I slowly look around. I’m in my darkened childhood bedroom. The door is ajar, and I can faintly hear the television from the lounge room.

“It’s ok, love, I’m here.”

My eyes flick to my mother who I now see sitting in the corner in my armchair reading a book by the lamp.

“Hi Mum.” I smile weakly. She walks over and sits next to me on the side of the bed and brushes the hair back from my forehead as she leans to kiss me on the cheek.

“You ok, baby?” she asks. I nod. “Yes,” I whisper. “Tash…you’re scaring me.” Her eyes search mine. I nod as

my eyes fill with tears. “What time is it?”

“It’s 7 pm on Sunday night.”

I frown. “Sunday. What do you mean? What happened to Saturday?”

“On Friday when you came back here…you were so upset, hysterical. Your headache progressed and you started to vomit so we called the doctor. He gave you a sedative again.”

I frown as I take in the information. “Tash, talk to me. Tell me what’s in your head,” she whispers as she starts to push the hair back from my forehead again. I shrug. “Scoot over, let me in.” She smiles.

I smile and shimmy over. I love it when Mum gets into bed with me. Some things never get old. I roll over and she cuddles my back and kisses my shoulder from behind.

“Is Joshua okay?” I whisper.

She shrugs. “I’m not sure, baby. Bridget and Abbie have gone over to see him tonight.” My heart drops, I want to go and see him.

She kisses the side of my face. “Explain it to me, Tash. I don’t understand, why can’t you forget these last few months and start fresh?”

“Mum, it’s complicated.”

“Please, Tash, I’m worried sick over you. I need to know what’s going on in that brain of yours. If I understand why you feel like this, I might be able to help you, honey, you need to talk to someone. And if you won’t talk to Joshua, talk to me.”

I shrug as I look at the ceiling. “Natasha,” she whispers, “please.”

‘I love Joshua, Mum, you know that.”

“Why won’t you talk this through with him? Anything can be worked out, Tash, but you need to talk to him. Cutting him out is not the answer,” she sighs.

“Mum, I can’t talk to him. If I talk to him, I will forgive him and I am not strong enough yet to do that.”

She lies silent behind me. I can hear her thinking. “Why are you not strong enough to go back to him?” she whispers.

“I can’t explain it, Mum. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Dad has died or my own mind playing tricks on me.”

“What do you mean?”

I swallow as I contemplate whether to tell her or not. “Since Dad’s death I have been having horrible nightmares about Joshua being murdered in front of me.”

“What?” she whispers.

I nod. “I have them at least four times a week and I know it’s the reason I have been having these migraine headaches. I’m so stressed about going to sleep that I am wound up all the time.”

“Tash, why haven’t you told me this?”

“Mum,” I start to silently cry, “haven’t I worried you enough? I killed your husband, for Pete’s sake. I blame myself for your grief, for all our grief and I can’t forgive myself. No matter how hard I try. I’m so terrified that I am going to lose Joshua to death that I dream about it, it’s not normal. I have been seeing a psychologist at work and she feels that I need to get stronger before I can give myself totally to someone who I don’t trust.”