Page 80 of Stanton Adore

16

Natasha

I awake feeling kind of stupid. Joshua was right. I was being a drama queen last night, but in my defense I wasn’t expecting to meet or know a girl that he has slept with. I wonder what she was saying to him…and it has to be frigging TC, doesn’t it. I know I was out of line last night by bringing up his past. The fact that I don’t have a past is not helping me move on. If he thinks he can call me a drama queen and punch a hole in my door then he can go to hell. I am so not calling him.

You know the thing about waiting for an apology is that it’s stupid. Total torture. I think getting teeth pulled is less painful and definitely quicker. At least you can pop a pill and feel no pain. The worst thing is I am overanalyzing everything to the maximum potential and two days after that dreaded fight, I am seriously debating whether I am out of line and second-guessing myself. When the knock on the door came on Sunday my heart jumped and I ran excitedly to answer it, only to be bitterly disappointed when a handyman carrying another door was standing in the hallway.

Hmm, figures. I know he’s not going to apologize. Does he even have something to apologize for? Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. I sit and work on Tuesday after devouring yet another packet of biscuits, staring out the window with my coffee. I’m just so sick and tired of being so up and down. I was serious when I said this is not a healthy relationship for me to be in. It’s totally toxic. If one of my patients came in and told me about this relationship, I would urge them to end it, it’s self-destructive. Why in the hell am I so addicted to him? My heart is aching for him. I have a deep-seated sadness that I know I need to kick, but how in the hell do I do it? I run through the negatives.

He’s my cousin.

Our families will disown us.

He lives in America. He’s rich and famous. He’s a total player.

He’s playing me…big-time. He doesn’t call me.

He leaves in the middle of the night. He doesn’t put up with my shit.

His will is stronger than mine. Actually, he is emotionally stronger than me, which wouldn’t be hard though. I’ve never felt so weak.

We can only be together in secret.

Our feelings aren’t mutual. (This one hurts the most and tears threaten.)

He’s totally gorgeous. Why can’t he be ugly, then I wouldn’t have so much damn competition. Why can’t my attraction to him be skin deep?

He’s too dominant in bed. I smile, who am I kidding? His dominance is frigging perfect. There isn’t a woman in the world who wouldn’t want to be thrown around in bed by him.

My mind wanders to the positives.

When I am with him, I forget every damn negative thing about him and get lost in the moment, totally lost to him.

Hello, milady. It’s a beautiful day. Do you want to go the harbor front and grab some lunch?

I smile as I read the text from Simon. That’s exactly what I do want to do today. Our office is closed for a few days as it is being painted.

Sure, pick me up.

I jump in the shower, already feeling relieved I’m not going to go mad in this apartment by myself all day.

See you in an hour.

Four hours later I am sprawled out on the grass eating a large New York mud cake waffle cone for dessert after eating my weight in pasta carbonara. I have to say, I’m feeling pretty damn relaxed. It’s so nice spending uncomplicated time with my dear motormouth friend. I’m not analyzing or fretting and I’m not horny as hell so I can actually use my brain. It makes for a nice change. ‘Diamonds’ rings out and I hand Simon my ice cream so I can rummage through my bag for my phone. I really need to clean some of this shit out of here. It’s Mum. I smile, as I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of days.

“Hi Tash.”

“Hi Mum, how are you?”

“Good, thanks, darling. What are you doing tonight?”

“Nothing,” I reply.

“Oh good, because Margaret and the boys are coming over for dinner and I want you to come.”

“Margaret,” I gasp. “When did she get here?”

“This morning. She’s staying with Joshua and his brothers for a couple of days.”