Page 57 of Stanton Adore

I nod, unable to speak. I didn’t expect that answer. I look down at the table and rearrange my knife and fork. Seriously, what am I doing here? I should rip off this Band-Aid before I get an infection. Maybe I should start with the antibiotics now before it turns septic. He must be able to sense he’s hurt my feelings.

“Hey, look at me,” he whispers. I drag my eyes to him. “Natasha, you know we can’t be like we were. Why are you bringing this up now?” I shrug, too afraid to speak in case I burst into tears. What’s wrong with me? Talk about how to lose a guy in ten days, try ten hours. Good one, Natasha, you fuckwit.

I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Josh, I just feel…off-center, I didn’t know this was going to happen.” He smiles and nods as if he understands. “Josh, I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever got another chance with you, I would never keep another secret from you again. So, I need to tell you that I can’t imagine being with someone else…ever.” He stays silent and still, unsure what to say. “Tell me, how have you done it?” He frowns. “How have you moved on? Tell me how to move on, Josh. I don’t know how.”

“That’s laughable,” he whispers as he leans into the table. “You’re the one that has had two serious boyfriends.”

I frown. “And why do you think I broke up with those boys, Josh?”

He shrugs. “Boredom I suspect, the poor bastards.”

“I broke up with them, Josh, because I compare everyone to you, and unfortunately no one comes close.” He takes another sip of his wine and goes back to his thinking pose, pointer over his lip. Face serious. “No other man gets me crazy like you, Josh…. I can’t explain it.” I give him a sad smile, “Let’s just say it’s been a lot harder on me than it has on you.” There, I said it out loud, no more secrets.

He leans forward, narrows his eyes and clenches his hands into fists. Contempt dripping from his every pore.

“If you think this has been easy on me, you have no fucking idea what you are talking about, Natasha. The reason I sleep with so many women is to try and find someone that even rouses a smidgeon of the feelings that I feel when I’m with you, although they always fall short.”

My heart swells and I smile. “What do you feel when you’re with me?”

“Like I never want to leave. Like the sex I’ve had since isn’t even in the same book, let alone on the same page.”

“What sex do you have with other girls, Josh?” I close my eyes. I’m not really sure I want to know the answer. How in the hell did we get onto this topic?

“Empty sex,” he sighs.

“What sex do we have, Josh, you and me?” I gesture at the air between us.

He stays silent as he assesses my question. After two full moments of silence he sighs as he rests his chin on his hand. “The best sex of my life, I never want it to end. It’s ridiculous, I know.”

I smile a victorious smile as our eyes lock. “I feel the same, Josh. It doesn’t have to end. Why can’t we just spend the next couple of months together?” I grab his hand and give it a pleading squeeze.

“Tash, you know why, it will be just harder to leave when the time comes, and it will end. We both know that.”

I blow out a breath in frustration. “But can you please stick with your promise?”

He leans back and smiles. “The one you made me promise under sufferance?”

I smile. “Yes, that one.”

“I know what you did back there, you know?” He smirks.

“Well, desperate times call for desperate measures and I seriously will go postal if you sleep with someone else, Josh. I mean it.” My voice is rising.

“OK, sshh,” he whispers, as he looks around. “Why is that so important to you?” he asks. He really has no idea, does he?

“Because if we run into each other, say at the Ivy, can you imagine how it would feel if I’m with someone else?”

He runs his tongue over the top of his front teeth. “I think we both saw how that went the other night,” he says, deadpan.

I smile and bite my lip. “What did you do to that guy anyway?”

“Nothing until we got out to the back security room and he told me you give a great blow job.”

I gasp. “Josh, I’ve never been with him.” I put my hand over my mouth. “My god, what a liar.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “Never,” he repeats.

“Definitely not,” I answer. “He’s a dick.”