Page 42 of Reckless

I shook my aching head.

He let out a long sigh, and, perversely, I smiled. Doesn’t matter about doctor’s orders here, Alastair. You’ve just remembered nobody’s got a car, haven’t you?

I looked at him. At the tired lines of his face, the shadows under his eyes, the quiet grief that sat at the edge of everything he did.

“You can—you can stay here for a while, if you like,” he said. “Rest for a few hours.”

“Got work to do,” I said.

He nodded. He squeezed my shoulder once, gently, and then let me go.

Just like he always did.

When I got to the farm, my head throbbing like hell, the front door flew open before I could touch the handle. Kat stood there, eyes red and puffy. She stared at my bruised and bandaged head.

“I tripped going down some steps,” I hurried to assure her. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

She stepped back to let me in, then shut the door behind me. I stood awkwardly in the entryway, once again very aware of Alastair’s sweater stretched tight across my chest. If Kat was going to start lecturing me, I’d go to my room, get changed, and go right out to the goats.

She surprised me by putting her arms around me and hugging me so tightly that my bruised ribs seemed to grind in protest. She stood on her tiptoes and murmured in my ear, “Anna’s gone.”

I froze, my mind going a bunch of different directions. Those poor kids. Archie Hooper. And…

“Does Alastair know?” I blurted, immediately embarrassed that it was the first thing I’d asked. That I’d called him Alastair and not Dr. Jones.

But Kat didn’t question it. “Yes. He was with her at the end.”

While I was knocking back drink after drink in Newcastle, Alastair had been with Anna Hooper. Guilt burned my throat, but I felt a flash of hurt as well. Why hadn’t he told me? Why had he helped me out, like he didn’t have bigger things to worry about? And that sadness I’d seen in him—it hadn’t been for me at all. Which made me feel a little more hurt, and a little more guilty, for being so selfish.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

Kat stepped back and brushed a couple of tears from under her eye. “She went just how she wanted. In her bed, with her family there. I…it’s just hard to lose her, Robbie.”

“I know.”

“To think about those kids…”

“I know,” I repeated, my voice thick.

She reached up and touched my cheek, which I couldn’t remember her doing in forever. “I was worried about you.” But she said it softly, not like an accusation. “Get some rest. We’ll take Archie and the twins some food later.”

I went to my room, numb and exhausted. I stripped off Alastair’s jumper and my filthy jeans and took a quick shower. Then I collapsed onto my bed. But I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was Alastair. Grieving alone. And I was such a selfish arsehole, he hadn’t even felt he could tell me.

Chapter 14

ALASTAIR

For the second night in a row, there was a knock at my door.

This time it was Robbie, wearing a T-shirt and flannel overshirt that didn’t look nearly warm enough for this weather.

“Robbie.” I stepped back. “Come in.”

He came inside but didn't look as if he had any intention of staying. “Kat told me about Anna,” he said.

My chest clenched. I had no clue what to say. Everything felt wrong, and had done since Anna’s death. But I nodded and leaned past him to shut the door.

“I’m sorry,” he said hurriedly. “I know you were friends. I know it’s hard to lose her, and—and I’m sorry I made you worry about me when you were going through this. I didn’t know. I’m sorry for saying what I said, about—about what you wanted from me. I’m sorry for going to Newcastle, all of it. But mostly I’m really sorry if you feel alone right now, and that I wasn’t here for you, or wasn’t someone you thought you could ask for help.”