Page 14 of Sorry

CHAPTER 17

SAM

Ihadn't slept even a few hours since I arrived in Lantry, on Saturday. It was now Thursday, the morning of the funeral. I had reconciled with the fact that Baka is gone, but I was no less devastated. I turned my phone on for all of twenty minutes, ignored the ten thousand notifications that flooded in, and ordered some clothes for next day delivery. I was sick of wearing and washing the same ones every day. I turned my phone off immediately, terrified he would somehow track my phone.

I went a little overboard yesterday with food prepping. I made a huge bowl of Russian salad. I prepped lots of different pastries that can be baked quickly so they’d be ready and warm. I made all of Baka’s and my favorites; Gibanica, pastry made out of store-bought filo dough, with crumbly cow cheese, eggs and sesame seeds sprinkled on top. I made two types of burek, one with ground meat and onions and another with shredded potatoes and onions; it’s made with filo sheet pastry too but this one I made myself. I made little finger sandwiches too, with ham slices and cheese. There were platters of smoked, dry-cured, sliced meats like prosciutto and I bought a variety of drinks.

Baka taught me how to bake and cook in general, so I thought she would have been happy to know all of the people she cared about were fed Serbian food in her name.

I was standing in the kitchen by myself; thinking how I was going to bring all the chairs from Miss Jenny, when suddenly, I heard the commotion outside, and my heart rate picked up. I hated being this jumpy. I was expecting it to be Kyle, coming to take me back to Santa Fe with him, and I don't know if I would have been brave enough to refuse. I peeped through the window and saw three men carrying chairs towards my house. I opened the door to find out who they were and holy shit it was the guy.

THE GUY!

The guy I ran into because I was in such a rush to get home, before Kyle got mad, the guy I embarrassed myself in front of. He was kind then and it threw me off guard. I expected him to be angry at me for bumping into him, the reaction I was used to getting but he didn’t.

The following hour solidified in my mind that this town only contained amazing, big-hearted people. But when they offered me a ride to the cemetery, my fear kicked in. I panicked thinking if I became a burden, they would treat me badly and everything would change. Alex, which I learned was the handsome guy's name, talked me down from having a full-blown, embarrassing panic attack. Such a large, muscly guy with a gruff exterior talking so gently to me and making sure I got my breathing under control, it felt like a dream. I was just sleep deprived. That had to be it. He was being too nice.

We got into an old work van full of tools and weird construction machines. I found myself in the back seat with a bunch of tool bags and Alex squeezed his giant body beside me, barely managing to close the door. It was a little awkward, I have to admit I was also a bit scared, he could crush me if I got him mad. So I did my usual, made myself as quiet and invisible as I could. Irrational, I knew that. He showed me nothing but kindness and it wasn’t fair of me to assume he would hurt me, but I couldn't help it.

“Are you ok Sam? I’m not squishing you?” Alex asked, sounding concerned.

See? I am horrible… he is so nice.

“Um, no I am good. Plenty of room for me, I am small.” I said awkwardly, and he laughed.

“You sound like you are talking from under a pile of blankets. I know I am almost suffocating you, I am sorry, we are almost there. Also you are the perfect size, it’s me who is always taking up all the space.” I smiled so big for the first time in a long time, and we continued riding in comfortable silence.

Matt and Jake roughhousing and arguing in the front seat kept us entertained, and my mind off the fact I was on my way to bury my Baka. The only person left in the world who I loved. The last of my family.

We arrived at the Lantry cemetery and I got out of the van after Alex. I froze on the spot. I can’t do this, I can't. I haven't been here in so long. I always avoided coming here to visit my parents because I was ashamed of who I became. My heart hurt. It tore me apart. I made nothing of myself, like I told them I would. I allowed myself to fall into a relationship where I was beaten, raped, used and reduced to a husk. They were so excited and supportive of my dreams, of my future and I failed them. I failed myself. I was weak and now I was coming here with my tail folded under my ass, humiliated and feeling guilty.

“We are here with you, you’re ok. Do you need a minute?” Matt asked, quietly.

“You are in ‘The Crew’ now we got you.” Jake said, squeezing my shoulder gently in a show of support.

“Thank you guys, I really appreciate it. I’m just... I haven’t been here in a while. It’s hard.” My lip quivered.

Alex was there in a split second, wrapping me in the biggest, warmest hug.

I was so taken aback that I didn't have time to get scared or to react. I just melted into him. With my face in his chest, I barely managed to wrap my arms around him. But once I did, I let go and cried. How can a man be so solid and so soft at the same time?

After I calmed down, Alex handed me an unopened pack of tissues to wipe my tears away, he turned me and wrapped one arm around my shoulder and whispered, “You are ok.” And led me to the burial spot.

Everything, from the moment they lowered Baka's casket, to the moment Alex and the guys drove me back home was a blur. I was tired of feeling. I walked like a zombie inside the house. They gave me a glass of water and settled me on the couch. It took me a bit to return to reality from wherever my mind escaped, when I heard other people walking in the house. I looked around me and saw the three guys sullen and worried looking at me. I didn’t want them to worry, they had done enough.

So I snapped myself out of it, and got up. “Ok! Food! I am going to go do that now! You guys relax, it will only be about thirty minutes!” I exclaimed awkwardly. They looked at each other and all three of them murmured their agreement.

CHAPTER 18

ALEX

Sam completely disassociated at the funeral, it was hard to watch. You could see that he had shut down as the casket was about to be lowered. He had an empty stare and looked almost completely lifeless. Matt and I had to instruct him that it was time to leave, and physically move him. He was standing still like a statue, and staring at the pile of dirt covering his grandmother's final resting place.

We coaxed him to walk to the van and when we arrived at his house, we had to help him to walk inside. I would have carried him but I didn't want to cross any boundaries. I gave him water, and we sat around on the chairs we set up earlier that morning, glancing at each other unsure what to do. He just stared, unblinking. Then suddenly with doors opening and people trickling in, he stood up with a start and announced he needed to prepare the food. He told us to sit and relax and we all agreed, as we really didn't know what to make of his sudden mood change.

So, we didn't move for the next forty minutes, watching him fly around the kitchen getting things in the large bakers oven. He put multiple trays in at one go.

When it started smelling like heaven from whatever he was making throughout the whole house, I stood up and went to him. I couldn’t resist the food, I love eating and as a big guy, I eat a lot but I can’t cook to save my life.