Page 11 of Sorry

I did know that, that's why I never took offence to it because I knew they had to get it out of their system. I would be the same if roles were reversed. Although annoying, they were keeping my mind off the situation at home. Tess has been freaking me out. She looked guilty ready to cry one moment, other times she was getting angry at the fact her toast is too toasted, and other totally random mood swings but not once has she been nasty to me, which is the worst one of all because that's our norm.

I should have welcomed this change, maybe we could come to some sort of neutral ground. That would be ideal. But I couldn't shake this bad feeling that something was coming. Plus we were finishing this job next week and she informed me she was taking the following week off work, meaning we would be stuck together in the house 24/7 all week, unless me and the guys got hired for the new job. We packed our tools up and threw everything in Jake’s work van. Me and Matt don’t drive, so I usually walked over to them in the morning, and Jake drove us to and from work.

They dropped me off in front of their place as usual, and we said goodbyes. I glanced over at the house next door seeing a large number of people walking in and out of there. That's odd. I thought to myself.

Then I saw Miss Jenny walking across the road; towards me, from the coffee shop. When she approached me I noticed that she was crying.

“Miss Jenny, are you ok? What happened?” Bringing her in for a hug. I had grown quite fond of her since me and Tess moved into town. I hated seeing her upset. She was never intimidated by my size or broody exterior, I tried to maintain my facade. It was a defense mechanism I developed while in foster care, but most people around me said I wasn't fooling anyone.

“Hi darlin,” she sniffled, melting into my hug, her head reaching the lower part of my pecs. “It’s a sad day. I found Baka Mila deceased in her armchair, when I went to check on her. I just had to call her grandson Sam to let him know. I don't think he took it well.”

Sam… That's THE guy's name. Sam. It was a nice name, it suited him. I snapped out of it, when she continued talking. Now is not the time to be thinking about him like that.

“The line went dead in the middle of our phone call. Oh Alex, I am so worried for that boy, he looks skinnier and skinnier every time he comes to visit her, and now he lost the only relative he had left. He will be coming tomorrow hopefully to make funeral arrangements, so some of us from town are cleaning Mila's home before he comes, to help take some of the burden off him.”

That’s what I loved about this place, I witnessed more humanity here than anywhere else I've been.

“I am sorry to hear that Miss Jenny, will you let me know if I can help in any way, any time.” Meaning every word.

“Thank you Alex, you are a good boy, you always were. You might be able to help with any repairs on the house, if Sam needs it after. I don't know if he will sell the house or not, but his boyfriend doesn't seem to like it here. He never even came along with him when Sam visited Mila. I will put in a good word about you and the boys.” She said, reaching up to lovingly tap my cheek but needing to go on her tippy-toes to do so. I gave her a smile and she excused herself wanting to go inside to check in on people, cleaning and offer to bring them food and snacks.

He has a boyfriend… Not that it should matter to me anyways. I went straight to the gym after that, where for two hours his name kept ringing in my head… Sam.

CHAPTER 13

SAM

Who could have thought my life would end up like this? Not me, that's for sure. I had a mother and a father who loved me with all their hearts, I had a grandmother who adored me and made sure I was fed. None of them batted an eye when I came out to them that I was gay. Grandmother took a second to understand it because she was old school and in her time in Serbia, nobody was out and proud. But she absolutely tried and after asking a million questions she said, “Dobro sine vazno je da si ti meni ziv i zdrav.” It's okay son, what's important is that you are alive and well. In her words she accepted me, and wanted me to be happy and healthy and who I loved was not important to her. Now I had no one. I didn't count Kyle as mine. All I felt was numbness, there was a void where my heart was, where my family lived.

It was Saturday morning. I was going through the day on autopilot. Getting ready to go to Lantry to arrange yet another funeral in five years. I didn't cry at all, not once since that call. I was a shell of a human walking through our house, getting my backpack ready, keys and sunglasses and charger for my phone.

As I was about to walk out Kyle shouts from the kitchen door, “Where are you going?” barely containing his temper.

“To see Baka” I said, flatly.

“What’s with all the black” One side of his lip raised in disgust, gesturing with his hand at my clothes while looking me up and down.

I wore all black, black pants and an oversized black sweater even shoes and socks are black. It was Serbian custom that when your family member dies, you mourn in all black clothes for forty days. And I wanted to honor Baka the way she deserved.

“I feel like wearing black from now on,” I muttered, without looking at him.

He groaned and sighed as if I exasperated him, “Ugh! Not another emo phase like you had before… It's weird. Anyways…” he waves his hand like he was swatting a fly, “The packing company is arriving tomorrow. I am leaving for Santa Fe to make all the arrangements, and to be there when movers arrive. I have to make sure they don't damage my shit. I will text you the address of our new place and arrange your flight, for when this place is emptied out. Go now, you are a depressing cloud when you get into your childish moods. Oh and Sam, when you return make sure you shower, you smelled weird last time you went there, like rotten fish, probably from that weird Serbian food you and your family eat.” He returned to the kitchen, dismissing me.

The smell he mentioned, was from the Bradford pear that was planted right behind the bus stop, in Lantry. It smelled like death itself, but people in rural areas were used to it, it bloomed in spring and it smelled like shit. He wouldn't know that because he never went anywhere rural, he was above that. He didn't even know what town I lived in with my family, didn't even know it was Lantry. He never asked and I never volunteered the information because he wouldn't care for it.

As I was walking out of the house onto our patio, it dawned on me! He doesn't know! FUCK, HE DOESN’T KNOW!!! My heart pounded with the realization that he had no idea where my Baka's house even was. He was leaving today and wasn't coming back here, he now had a permanent job he wouldn't leave— even if Mother Teresa asked him to— his image was too important to him.

I just hoped that his need to control me, doesn't win over. I can disappear! I reminded myself to keep walking, to not miss the bus, but my mind was reeling and my heart rate was so high I felt lightheaded.

There was a chance I could be free of him. That house was purchased by my parents and Baka, that would mean I would inherit it. I hated that I saw hope because my favorite human died, I hated myself for it. I couldn't help but feel like she knew she was dying and that's what she meant when she said, "Don't worry Baka got you.” The sly old fox. Did she know she was dying?

She knew I was in trouble, she saw I was trapped and she knew her death would mean my freedom. My chest hurt, I had to lean on someone's fence to regulate my breathing, and that's when tears broke through, just silently cascading down my face from the pain and the shame I felt because of the conflicting feelings. Grief and relief, mixed together. I gathered myself as best as I could and took my sunglasses out, to hide my now red eyes.

Fifteen minutes later, I was sitting on a bus heading to Lantry, staring out of the window. Is this really happening? Am I escaping Kyle's chains? Am I really doing this? I was terrified but I would NEVER go back to him. To that cage.

CHAPTER 14

ALEX