Page 93 of Golden Ruin

“I thought I did,” is the most honest thing I can say. “But… I’m not sure anymore.”

He takes a breath, still not making eye contact. “I wish I understood what that means.”

“Me too,” I sigh, and the vulnerability of the moment takes up space between us.

Matt nods slowly as he thinks, and my nerves have already gotten the best of me. “Yeah, but… your uncertainty feels like a clearer answer than you might realize.”

His words land hard even though they’re spoken gently. I consider it, whether being unsure that Sterling and I are making a mistake means my heart’s already decided, and my head just hasn’t caught up yet.

But this epiphany doesn’t bring me comfort.

Actually, it scares the shit out of me.

“We haven’t labeled what this is between us,” Matt says as I turn toward him. “But you do need to figure out what’s happening with your ex.”

I look away when I need to distance myself from his emotions a bit, feeling sadness and disappointment radiating in my direction.

“I’m not sure where we’re headed, but… when and if we decide to move forward, I need you to be sure you’re completely done with that chapter of your life.”

My stomach twists as he pauses to gather his thoughts.

“I’m not trying to stand in the way of something unfinished, Lexi. Or maybe what I’m trying to say is… I won’t compete with it.”

I’m silent. He’s completely right, and I can only respect his feelings.

“I understand,” I say softly.

He clamps his bottom lip between his teeth, like he’s fighting saying more, so I brace myself when he speaks again.

“And for the record, I’ve already decided that you’re it for me,” he admits. “I’m not looking for anyone else, not considering anyone else. It’s you. And it’s been you for a long time. So, while you’re doing whatever thinking you need to do, just… don’t forget that. I’ve never changed my mind about how I feel.”

It takes a moment to understand what he’s saying, to recognize what he’s saying about Sterling, but then it hits me.

It’s a reminder that Sterling was engaged to Tiffany.

That he chose her.

I’m completely still beside him, feeling the weight of this entire conversation resting on my shoulders.

“You have my word that I’ll be up front with you,” I say to him, and it takes everything in me not to let my emotions show through.

I’m not sure whether Matt meant to get in my head, but he did, and now I’m replaying the last five years, flowing in and out of memories, good and bad, feeling everything.

“Looks like a storm’s rolling in,” he says, gesturing toward the sky. “You and Jax are welcome to come inside if you want.”

I consider his offer, but it doesn’t take long to decide that being together in an enclosed space after such a heavy conversation wouldn’t be a great idea.

“I think I’ll head back, actually. Jax needs a bath before bed.”

Matt nods, and that look of knowing in his eyes tells me he expected me to decline.

He stands, and Jax rushes toward us, locking his arms around Matt’s leg.

“Tell Matt bye, kiddo. We’ve gotta get going.”

“Mommm,” Jax whines, squeezing Matt tighter.

He only clings to Matt a few seconds later, but then lets go without me having to pry him off the man’s leg.