Page 109 of Golden Ruin

“Can I turn the page?” Jax asks. He sounds groggy, like he’s half asleep but willing himself to stay awake because he finally has his dad back and doesn’t want to miss anything.

“Sure,” Sterling answers, then the reading continues.

I find them in Sterling’s room, both leaning against the headboard, but Jax is tucked beneath Sterling’s arm, cozy in his pajamas as he rubs his eyes. Sterling sees me first, and I smile.

“Mommy, come listen,” Jax begs. “This is the best part.”

I hesitate, feeling like climbing into Sterling’s bed while he’s in it is crossing some sort of line. But then I think about the couch, how close I felt to him, how he made it clear that nothing is off limits to me. The brief hesitation feels silly now, so I walk closer and settle in beside Jax.

Sterling’s eyes linger on me a moment, and there’s so much emotion behind them, so much softness I can hardly stand it. He goes back to reading, and I can’t keep my eyes off him. I’ve done my best to compartmentalize, to pretend he’s just Jax’s dad, but now that we’ve stopped fighting so hard against ourselves, I see him.

Completely.

Jax spends the next five minutes trying to keep his eyes open, but he loses the battle pretty quickly. Sterling notices and finally closes the book. Now, it’s just us and the silence again, but where I’d usually try to run from him, I’m settled and relaxed, curious what he’s thinking as we lie here with our son between us.

“He asked if he can sleep here,” Sterling smiles. “I thought I’d get to sneak off once he dozed, but…”

He gestures to how Jax positioned himself. His arm is locked tight around Sterling’s torso, and his small legs are wrapped around his dad’s like he knew there was a chance he’d try to get away. Even if only for a little while.

Even if only to spend time with me.

It’s clear Sterling belongs to Jax for tonight, and I can’t be mad at that. So, I sit up and scoot to the edge of the bed, deciding to head to my own room, but I don’t make it that far.

“Hang on.”

I glance at Sterling over my shoulder, and he looks like he isn’t sure it’s okay to say whatever he’s thinking. But then he seems to find the courage somewhere.

“You should stay with us,” he says, and my heart races with those words.

My gaze shifts to Jax, trying to imagine what he’ll think when he wakes up to find me here. I’ve been so careful not to send him mixed messages. Whatever this is between me and Sterling is still really uncertain, and the last thing I’d want to do is confuse Jax.

But my heart wants this, to be with them, to fall asleep knowing this is okay, but…

“I should probably go,” I say quietly, putting my wants aside for what I think Jax needs.

Stability, boundaries, clarity.

But when I take another step, the bed shifts behind me.

“Mommy, stay,” Jax yawns, and I face him again. His eyes are still closed, and he’s somehow locked himself even tighter around Sterling. “It’ll be a sleepover,” he reasons, and the innocence of his request makes my heart ache.

There’s this look in Sterling’s eyes that isn’t lost on me. I recognize it. It’s hope, letting me know he wants this, too. My head’s pulling me one way, and my heart’s pulling me another, but like so many other choices tonight, my heart takes the lead.

Sterling passes a smile my way when I double back to his bed, then he reaches to turn off the lamp. I slip underneath the comforter as the darkness closes in around us. As my head settles against the pillow, the heat of a warm hand closes around mine, and somehow that gesture is no less intimate than all the moments we shared downstairs.

It wouldn’t be smart to make a habit out of sharing Sterling’s bed, but just this once, I’m spending the night with my guys.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Sterling

Last night was the best sleep I’ve gotten in months.

It doesn’t make sense, considering Jax’s knee was buried in my hip most of the night, which leaves only one factor that makes it all add up.

Lexi.

There was one point where my arm was stretched out beside me, and she and Jax both used it as a pillow. The feeling drained out of it pretty quickly, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. Not just because they were so comfortable… but because I was.