Page 103 of Golden Ruin

She’s glaring at me, mouth open like she wrote the damn thing. “Fine, I’ll change it.”

She reaches for the remote, but I’m reaching at the same time. So, her hand lands on top of mine. The contact sends heat pulsing from my fingertips, up my arm, then everywhere.

Having no idea the effect she has on me, Lexi moves her hand away, playfully rolling her eyes. “For the record, I only played this so much because it reminded me of you.”

One corner of her mouth curves with a smile, but my expression stays straight. She doesn’t usually say things like that, doesn’t usually talk about our past in that light, and I’m nowhere near stable enough for words like that not to go to my head.

It reminded her of me.

Now, I’m the one listening to the words, feeling things.

She goes still beside me, and her smile just now starts to fade. Maybe my silence made her aware of what she said, or maybe she’s listening to the lyrics too, remembering what we were to each other back then.

“I’m sorry.”

Lexi laughs, turning her head toward me. “For not liking a song? You’re forgiven, Sterling.”

I’m already shaking my head before she’s done. “No. Not for that.”

Her smile fades again.

“I’m sorry for… all of it. Not getting why you liked the song, not getting you. I just… sometimes I feel like I wasn’t paying attention to the right things, which made me miss everything.”

She’s quiet, thoughtful, and for once, I’m not in a rush to fill the silence. Instead, we let it stretch, exist in it.

“I think part of the problem back then was that you thought you had to have all the answers, but that wasn’t what I needed,” she says, and when her eyes meet mine, I can’t even blink. “All I needed was for you to be with me while I figured it out. I never expected you to be my hero.”

Her words land hard because I did want to be that for her, and I absolutely thought that’s what men did. I watched my father fail so spectacularly at his relationship with my mom, I thought I needed to take it all on, make it all better. But that hero complex killed me and Lexi when I couldn’t fix what she was going through–the shit with her dad, the emotions that came with it. It was like watching someone you love drown, reaching out to help them, only to realize you don’t know how to swim either.

I was young, ill-equipped, and we both paid the price for it.

She looks at my hand when I grip hers. Then, her eyes find mine. It’s on my heart to apologize again, but I know she heard me the first time. I look away, dropping my head back to stare at the ceiling again, but I don’t let go of her hand.

Because despite how hard I’ve fought my own feelings… I need to be close to her.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Sterling

Lexi’s thumb lightly brushes the tattoos on my fingers as we share the couch. A little high, yeah, but somehow also more clearheaded than usual.

“When did you add these?”

I glance toward her then follow her gaze down to my hand, watching as she traces the ink just above my knuckles. “Two years ago.”

She smiles, studying them as she lifts my hand a little, holding it differently now that she’s loosening up. I force myself not to stare any longer than I already have. It’ll make her aware that I’m aware, and if she feels uncomfortable, she’ll let go.

I don’t want that.

So, I smoke a bit more of the joint, then set it on the lid of the tin where I leave it on the end table.

“I… have a question.”

I catch a glimpse of her nervous smile in my peripheral vision and smile back, already having an idea where this is going.

“Just ask me.”

She shifts in her seat. “Okay, so… the tattoo. Why’d you keep it?”