Page 101 of Golden Ruin

Those words land hard. Mostly because I’ve heard them before, many times throughout the years I’ve known Lexi. It’s a recurring theme with her, feeling like the people who should have her back walk away when she needs them most. Knowing I’m one of those people makes my appetite slip, but if I stop eating, I’d be breaking my end of the deal. So, I take another bite, just smaller this time.

“I almost lost our son, and I can’t just pretend that didn’t happen. Can’t pretend that isn’t on Amelia.”

“And you shouldn’t have to pretend,” I cut in. “I get what your mom and Benny are trying to do, and I don’t even think they’re wrong, it’s just… things this sensitive can’t be rushed. You’ve got valid reason to be pissed, and I think they know that. Parents just hate to see their kids fight, so they try to fix it as soon as possible. Before fixing it becomes impossible.”

That makes Lex think a little. She nods but doesn’t speak.

“I guess I’m just trying to say you’re allowed to take things slowly. Even if the people who love you disagree,” I explain. “You’re allowed to set whatever boundary you need to set.”

She wipes a tear from her cheek. “Thank you.”

“Any time.”

She’s thoughtful while I finish my food, and the second I take my last bite, she takes my plate to the sink to wash.

“I could’ve gotten that. You’ve been in the kitchen all evening.”

She glances over her shoulder at me, smiling softly. “I don’t mind.”

She faces forward again, and this warm feeling settles into my chest. I know I should fight it, know what it means, but I just let it… sit there, taking over.

She’s fucking beautiful. Inside, out. A force of nature. And the things I used to see as storms to weather, I now see as the things that make her human. Yeah, she’s fiery, but it’s because she’s passionate about what she believes in, what she feels. And I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who loves like she does. Which is why my son’s basically the happiest kid on Earth. Even after a fire, after losing so much. He’s okay because she’s his mom, and her love can heal any-fucking-thing.

I should know.

I had it once.

That thought has me taking a deep breath because the loss of it makes that warm feeling rush right out of me. So quickly that I feel off balance.

“I’m gonna, uh… I’m gonna go shower.”

She glances back again, smiling, clueless of the emotional gymnastics going on behind her back. “Okay.”

I linger a few seconds longer, feeling so much as I grab my bag and take slow, measured steps toward the stairs. My thoughts are still on her as I head up to my room, undress, then step underneath the hot water.

When I finish, I throw on a t-shirt and joggers before climbing into bed, completely exhausted, but sleep never comes. I toss and turn for half an hour before finally giving up.

I open my bedroom door and hear the TV on in the living room. Knowing she’s still awake has me feeling drawn that way. Down to the living room, or honestly anywhere she is.

For some reason, I feel like I need an excuse to rejoin her, something that’ll make being in her space feel a little more natural. Then, I think of something that has me rushing toward my dresser, reaching to the back of the top drawer, feeling for a small, metal case I keep hidden underneath everything.

I have to force myself to take the stairs slowly because I’d be sprinting down them otherwise. But then the second I step into Lexi’s peripheral vision, and she snaps a look toward me, I know coming back was the right call. It doesn’t look like she’s been crying again, but she’s still sad.

And I fucking hate it.

“You ready for this?” I ask, holding up the case for her to see. She laughs despite having no idea what I’m talking about.

“Probably not,” she says. “But I’m listening.”

She doesn’t question it when I slide the remote out of her hand and turn the TV off, turning on the hidden speakers instead. A few seconds later, music flows out of them, and Lexi laughs again.

“What the hell are you doing?”

I drop down on the couch beside her, finally opening the tin. “Looked like you could use a little pick-me-up. And since Jax isn’t here…”

I set the case aside and hold up a joint and lighter. Lexi’s smile grows and so does mine.

“Gimme.”