Page 92 of You Were Always the One

Picking up my glass, I take a large sip of wine. It’s followed by another. Then before I know it, unstoppable tears are rolling down my cheeks. ‘Sorry.’ I try to wipe them away.

‘Oh, Holls. You’ve nothing to feel sorry for.’ She reaches across the table for my hands.

‘Do you know what makes it worse?’ I sob noisily. ‘It’s that Miles has really tried. But he doesn’t know I’ve seen Riggs.’ I wipe my eyes. ‘It makes me feel terrible.’

‘But Miles trying hasn’t fixed things, has it? He knows that and you know that,’ Rita says gently. ‘You’re making the best of things because he’s sick. And you’re both doing it admirably. I believe you, when you say there’s love there. I see it when I look at you. Somehow you’ve resurrected that out of something that was all but broken. It works for you both – here and now – because Miles is so ill. But Holls… If Miles was well, would you still be together?’

Somehow, Rita has got to the heart of how I’m feeling. The trust has long gone between Miles and me. That was the root of the problems between us. But when he told me he didn’t want to see Patricia again, it compounded the guilt I felt. ‘I don’t know,’ I say through my tears. ‘Relationships are messy sometimes.’ But the real answer is, I know we wouldn’t be.

31

RIGGS

After Fraser’s first Christmas, for which I pick out a ridiculously oversized soft white teddy bear that’s three times the size he is, it’s time to think about heading back to France. But before I leave, there’s a conversation I want to have – with Emma. ‘We need to have a talk – about money.’ It’s one of the things that’s become important to me, that I want to contribute to Fraser’s growing up.

‘There’s no need,’ she says. ‘Archie and I have more than enough. In any case, can you afford it?’

‘That’s great, but it actually isn’t the point,’ I say, somewhat miffed. ‘Just so you know, I’ve had some really good book news. But even without that, I’m Fraser’s father. I want to contribute. If you don’t need to spend the money, then put it into savings for him.’

Emma looks surprised. ‘That’s a good idea.’ Then she adds, ‘I’m really pleased for you. You deserve it.’

I look at her, astonished. ‘Thank you.’ But before I can say anything else, a nurse comes over. ‘I’m glad you’re both here,’ she says. ‘We’ve been discussing when Fraser can go home.’ She pauses, looking at him. ‘We’re hoping at the end of this week. He’s doing so well, he’s amazed all of us.’

‘Oh. Wow. That’s fantastic.’ Gazing at the nurse, I want to kiss her. Instead, I kiss Emma. Then I look at them both. ‘This is the best news. Ever,’ I say.

As I leave the hospital, I realise it’s hopefully the last time I’ll come here. Gratitude fills me for the care that Fraser’s had, and on my way back to my mother’s, I feel an unfamiliar sense of peace inside me, that comes from knowing so many elements of my life are falling into place. It also reminds me that one of them is missing. It’s Holly.

Knowing Fraser is stable, I book a flight back to France. I need to collect my stuff, but how much longer I’ll stay, I haven’t decided, especially when saying goodbye pulls on my heartstrings.

‘You’ll be a short flight away, Rigby,’ Emma says brusquely. ‘I really don’t see what the fuss is about.’

‘But I may not be back for a few weeks. And he’s so tiny,’ I say sentimentally. ‘He’s going to grow so quickly.’

‘That’s the general idea.’ Emma rolls her eyes at me. Then she sighs. ‘Look. I love that you love him so much. He’s doing really well and I’m going to take the best care of him. And I promise you, if there’s the smallest thing to worry about, I’ll call you straight away. Archie has your number, too. I’ll tell him the same.’

Which as far as it goes is as good as it gets, I tell myself.

My mother takes me to the airport. With me sitting captive next to her as she drives at speed, she seizes her chance to make her feelings known. ‘Perhaps it’s time you thought about changing your life,’ she says, no-nonsense as always. ‘You’re a father now. You can’t go on acting like the eternal teenager.’

Is that what she thinks of me? ‘That’s a little harsh, Mum,’ I say. ‘I’ve dropped everything to be here for Emma and Fraser these last few weeks. But if I’m honest with you, England doesn’t feel like home any more.’

‘Well, you’ve never given it a chance, have you?’ she says disapprovingly.

‘That isn’t exactly fair. Emma and I lived here.’ I sigh. ‘But everything’s so bloody expensive, and there are rules about absolutely everything, from driving around car parks to cleaning your teeth.’

‘Your teeth?’ She glances at me. ‘What on earth are you talking about?’

‘OK, maybe not your teeth so much, but you get my point, don’t you?’

Clearly she doesn’t. ‘Isn’t it the same in France?’ she asks.

‘Not really,’ I say. In fact it couldn’t be further from the truth. ‘In any case, I’m having a rethink. I need to be here, now. I want Fraser to be in my life – and I want to be in his life.’

‘Thank goodness,’ is all she says.

When we get to Gatwick, she stops in the drop-off zone. ‘I can’t believe they charge you to stop.’ She sounds horrified as she gets out.

‘Don’t worry. I’ll pay.’ Getting out, I go to hug her. ‘Thanks, Mum. For everything.’