Page 66 of You Were Always the One

Funny, isn’t it, when you think how many possible versions of us there are. If in some way mine and Holly’s paths were destined to cross, Emma was meant to figure somewhere in my life. Archie, too, in some way. But when we tick along in the familiar bubbles we exist in, I wonder how many of us stop and think about that?

Imagining myself as cabin crew seems a bit of a stretch. I mean, I am not an organised person. Nor am I diplomatic. But if pushed, I don’t doubt I could learn to be. If only real life was as simple as writing a story, I think to myself, slightly wistfully. And when Holly does finally call, it’s a sharp reminder that it isn’t.

‘Sorry I’ve taken so long to call you,’ she says. ‘It’s all a bit hectic. How are you?’ she asks.

‘OK, thanks.’ I pause. ‘Emma’s moved out. She’s gone to live with Archie – her new man.’

‘That’s really good,’ Holly says. ‘At least, I assume it is?’

‘Definitely,’ I say. ‘I really hope it works out for them.’

‘When are you moving out?’ she asks.

‘Actually, in a couple of days.’ I tell her about my plan.

There’s a stunned silence. ‘France?’ she says. ‘Are you sure?’

‘I think I need to,’ I say quietly. ‘It feels like the right time to do something different.’

‘That’s one thing. But France…’ she says again.

I ponder her response. I mean, if things were different between us, I wouldn’t be going. But it seems there isn’t. So I am. ‘Holly,’ I start. ‘You know, don’t you, that if you weren’t with Miles, I would stay. And I know why you’re staying with him. But right now, I can’t see how me being here is good for either of us.’

There’s another silence. ‘It’s so fucking impossible.’ Her voice is tight. ‘I can’t leave him. Not now – when he’s dying.’

Shit. I knew it was serious, but I hadn’t realised it was terminal. ‘I’m so sorry, Holls. I didn’t know.’

‘How could you have? You can see why I have to do this – they’re my family,’ she says tearfully. ‘Maybe you should go. Maybe it’ll be easier for me to think straight if I know you’re not here.’

I don’t know what to say. ‘I want to do what’s best for you,’ I say carefully.

‘I have no idea what that is,’ she says. ‘When you look at the way our lives have gone, who knows what will happen in the future? Things have a way of working out, don’t they? The way they’re meant to?’

It feels like she’s quoting one of my lines. But I let it go. The call ends, and as I think of leaving, I have the distinct feeling I’m letting her down that’s all too reminiscent of last time. All I know is I can’t do that to her – not again. So I do the only thing I can. I call her back to tell her I’m staying.

But it goes to voicemail.

23

HOLLY

Minutes after the call ends, Riggs calls me back. In no fit state to talk to him, I let it go to voicemail. Then he tries again. And I can’t resist.

‘I’ve changed my mind,’ he says. ‘If you want me to be here for you, I won’t go to France. I’ll stay.’ He pauses. ‘Say something.’

A sense of desperation fills me. ‘What am I supposed to say? You keep changing your mind,’ I say tearfully. ‘If you want to go, you should go.’

‘Oh, Holls.’ His voice is filled with angst. ‘Don’t you know? In a million years, I’d never want to hurt you.’

‘Fuck it, Riggs,’ I say through my tears. ‘You always mean well. But all of it… it’s just words.’

‘It isn’t. I mean it.’ He sounds anguished. ‘I can’t bear to upset you. I’ll stay if you want me to.’

‘I don’t want you to stay for me,’ I cry. ‘It isn’t the right reason. I want you to decide – because it’s what you want. Not what you think I want.’ My voice wavers. But there it is again. Riggs’s indecision. His vacillating. His need to please everyone else. His inability to know his own mind. ‘I have to go.’

Ending the call, I switch my phone off, standing there for a moment as the magnitude of what I’ve done hits home.

Since coming home from the hospital, Miles has been undemanding, getting someone in to move his desk upstairs, then has a television installed. Our children accept my explanation that their father needs to rest, and with the spare room tucked away in the extension we built a couple of years ago, it’s a solution that works for all of us.