Page 56 of You Were Always the One

I like that for once he’s thought of them. ‘They’re really good. Rita came over last night. They always enjoy her company.’ I pause. ‘But they’re worried about you.’

‘I dare say.’ He turns his face towards the window.

I’m silent as I look at him. It’s the least confrontational conversation we’ve had in years. It bodes well for him coming home, I can’t help thinking.

But then he looks at me briefly. ‘If you don’t mind, I need to rest.’

I get the spare room ready for Miles. Make up the bed with fresh linen. Add photos of the kids on the chest of drawers, a jug of flowers on the bookshelf.

Then the following day, Miles is brought home. I know how worried he is, but as he gets over his surgery, he’s terse and unreachable, so that I find the pressure of being with him almost unbearable.

After a few days, totally fed up, I call Riggs.

‘Hi,’ he says brightly. ‘I was going to call you. How are things?’

‘Not that good,’ I say. ‘It was always going to be tough waiting for the test results.’ But Riggs has his own stuff going on. ‘How about you?’

‘Weird,’ he says. ‘Right now, my life is like something out of a really bad novel,’ he says. ‘How about this for a scenario: one almost single man, his pregnant ex-wife and the new man in her life, all having a nice, cosy beer together, before she goes off and shags him in the spare room.’

‘You’re kidding.’ The way he says it, it’s impossible to know if he’s joking or not.

‘Sadly not,’ he says. ‘It actually happened – the other night. He’s a nice enough guy. A bit weedy for Emma.’ He sounds remarkably unbothered. ‘But good luck to them.’

‘So you meant it?’ I hardly dare breathe. ‘When you said it was over between you?’

‘Well and truly.’ He pauses. ‘Living with my ex-wife was hardly going to be easy.’ He goes on. ‘Added to that, I’ve just been given notice to move out.’

‘Why?’ For a moment, I completely forget about my own problems.

‘Our landlord wants the house back.’ He sounds resigned. ‘Not exactly ideal timing. But I don’t really have a say in the matter.’

‘What will you do?’ I say.

‘Very good question,’ he says. ‘Emma’s looking for her own little place, which is probably good for both of us.’ He pauses. ‘You know, I’m getting the feeling it’s time for a change.’

‘What kind of change?’ I ask suspiciously.

‘Work. Home,’ he says evasively. ‘It’s a bloody expensive part of the world around here. As a writer, I can live anywhere.’

Shock hits me as I think about him moving away. ‘But…’ I start.

‘But what?’ he says softly. ‘You have your life – and you’ve got a heck of a lot on your plate, Holls. The last thing you need is me messing it all up.’

My heart starts to race. My first thought is I can’t lose him, now, when I’ve only just found him again. But then, I catch myself. You can’t lose someone you don’t have. ‘It was messed up before you came along,’ I remind him.

‘That may be.’ His voice is subdued. ‘But the fact is, you and I are not free to be together.’

My breath catches as he says that. So he’s been thinking about it, too. The possibility of us. ‘I have no idea what the future holds,’ I say. ‘If Miles wasn’t sick, we wouldn’t be staying together.’

‘But he is,’ Riggs says. ‘And you are.’ He sighs. ‘Maybe we just have to accept this isn’t our time.’

My eyes fill with tears. Then out of nowhere, I’m furious. ‘Accept?’ I cry. ‘The trouble with you, Riggs, is you accept, as you put it, far too easily. Life isn’t about settling, or always taking the easy option, like you seem to do. At least, not if you want something enough. You have to be prepared to fucking fight. Have you ever done that? Fight?’

My words are met with silence. It’s the last straw and, ending the call, I switch off my phone. The last thing I need in my life is a man who’s passive. But then suddenly, I’m remembering how it was that same realisation about Riggs that led me to Miles. And look where that got me.

At my wits’ end, I call Rita again.

For once, she answers straight away. ‘How’s it going, babes?’