Page 46 of You Were Always the One

‘Again?’ he says. ‘Oh, Holls. You’ve had too many of those.’

‘It feels like that.’ I pause. ‘Miles came home from the hospital – by taxi. It turns out I was right. He’s been seeing the woman he had an affair with. He says nothing happened…’ But it doesn’t change how it makes me feel. ‘She wants them to be together. But they’ve had a row. I don’t think he’s going anywhere.’

‘Bloody hell, Holls.’ His hand tightens around mine. ‘What a mess.’

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘It really is. If it wasn’t for the kids, I’d leave him. But I can’t, can I?’ My voice wavers. ‘He’s sick. It would be a terrible thing to do to him.’

‘He’s lucky you see it that way,’ Riggs says shortly. ‘I’m not sure most people would.’ He pauses. ‘You really are stuck, aren’t you?’

‘Yes,’ I say miserably. ‘Right now, I don’t want to be in the same house as him. But I don’t see I have a choice. Miles might be dying, Riggs.’ It feels horribly, terrifyingly real as I say it out loud. Because that’s the bottom line. If this tumour is what his consultant suspects it is, Miles isn’t going to get better.

‘Being ill doesn’t give him the right to be an arse,’ Riggs says. ‘You have to just take each day at a time, Holls. The way things are going right now, it feels like everything is subject to change.’ Riggs turns to stroke my hair off my face. ‘The timing of this is terrible, isn’t it? I’m going to be a father, and before too long, the likelihood is you’re going to have a husband to nurse.’

There it is. My reality. One I have no control over. Frustration wells up inside me. He has no idea how trapped I feel, having to stay with a husband I don’t love.

‘I suppose if you pick it apart,’ Riggs says, ‘starting with where you are – with your marriage – if there was nothing else to take into consideration, would you stay with him?’

‘No.’ I frown at him. ‘No way. Not now.’

‘OK. So next, there’s the question of him seeing this woman again. If he wasn’t sick, I take it he would have told you?’

‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘Unless it got to the point that he was leaving, when he’d have to.’

‘But none of this changes the fact that your marriage is over, does it?’ Riggs says. ‘OK. Then there’s the big one. His illness. Because potentially, that changes everything, doesn’t it? And the trouble is that right now, you don’t actually know what you’re dealing with. And you can’t make any decisions until you do. Is that right?’

‘Pretty much.’ I’m silent for a moment. ‘You’re right. It’s exactly how it is.’

‘But in a couple of weeks, you will,’ he says. ‘That’s the first part of this, Holls. From now until you get his results.’

Put like that, it’s slightly less daunting. But only slightly. ‘I haven’t even mentioned my kids,’ I say suddenly, aghast that I’ve forgotten them.

‘Hey, your kids are a part of you,’ he says calmly. ‘Wherever you go is where they will go. They will be fine, Holls.’

But as I ponder his words, I can’t help wondering. Will they be? I think of Miles’s emotional detachment; the lack of love he shows them. All of it soaked up by them, almost from the day they were born.

It’s as though Riggs reads my mind. ‘Holls, your kids really will be OK. They have you,’ he says. ‘Just so you know, I really don’t underestimate how hard this must be,’ he says. ‘These are massive life shocks, all coming at you at once.’

It’s how it feels, as though the core of my entire world has been rocked. Turning, I meet his eyes. ‘You’ve left something out.’

‘I have?’ He looks disconcerted.

‘Yes.’ I hesitate. ‘You,’ I say softly.

16

RIGGS

As I drive home, my brain is in a spin, the same thought playing on repeat in my head.

I love you, Holly Madigan. I’ve always loved you. Only now, I love you even more.

It was the biggest fuck-up of my life when Holly and I broke up. Instead of going after her, I let her walk away. I’ve regretted it every day ever since.

And now, here she is, caught in the middle of the wreckage of her life, while I’m in the middle of the wreckage of mine.

A couple of days later, I face another reality check. However, this one I can’t ignore. It’s a letter from my landlord, giving me three months’ notice to move out.

‘Call him.’ Emma looks slightly panicked.