Page 26 of You Were Always the One

He turns to look at me. ‘Can we sit down for a moment?’

I’m knotted inside as I follow him to the sofa.

‘I’m sorry you feel like this,’ he says. ‘I suppose I assumed we could put this behind us.’ He pauses. ‘I’m not sure what else I can say to you.’

I gaze at him sadly. ‘That’s part of the problem, Miles,’ I say sadly. ‘We don’t communicate.’

‘Then you tell me.’ He frowns. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking.’

I want a divorce. The words are there instantly. But then I think of Max and Grace upstairs. ‘The kids are here. It isn’t the time, is it?’ I say.

‘For Christ’s sake,’ he says angrily. ‘I’m giving you a chance to tell me how to make things right.’

‘OK,’ I say, glancing at the kitchen door. Then I take a deep breath. ‘The truth is, I’m not sure we can.’ My voice shakes as I at last find the courage to be honest. ‘There was a reason you had an affair. Maybe for the same reason, we can’t get over it.’

‘The reason being?’ he says cynically. Even now, there’s no compassion. No attempt to understand. It’s like he’s decided how things are, and refuses to give an inch.

‘Maybe we weren’t meant to,’ I say quietly. ‘Maybe we came to the end of the road.’

His face is impossible to read as, at that minute, the door flies open and Grace comes in.

‘Mum? I forgot to say. Can I go to Olivia’s tomorrow? She said can you call her mum.’

‘Of course.’ I get up to find my phone. ‘I’ll give her a call now. Have you finished your homework?’

She rolls her eyes at me. ‘Nearly.’ It’s Grace’s way of saying she’s only just started it.

I glance at the clock. ‘Don’t you think you’d better get it done?’ After she trudges back upstairs, I turn to Miles.

‘What you said just now.’ His face is unemotional. ‘The way I see it, we came to a fork in the road. But we chose to go on. Together. Unless you’ve changed your mind?’

A feeling of powerlessness comes over me. It’s always the same, Miles hearing what he wants to hear. If only, just for once, he’d listen. ‘I know we did. But maybe it wasn’t the right decision. You met someone else,’ I remind him. ‘The way things are between us, it isn’t enough, Miles. Surely you can see that?’

He looks as though he’s about to say something, then changes his mind. ‘I have to make a call.’ He marches out of the kitchen, leaving me standing there, wondering what it will take to get through to him.

The following morning, my mind is no clearer. Thoughts of Miles overlap with thoughts of Riggs, one of whom is my husband, the other the only man I can be honest with. Meanwhile, I go through the routine of our mornings. Breakfast. School lunches. Reminders about homework.

‘I’ll pick you up from Olivia’s,’ I say to Grace.

Then I kiss Max on the top of his head. ‘Have a good day.’ My voice is bright, masking how I feel underneath. Should I talk to a lawyer? At the very least, get some advice.

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of footsteps on the stairs, before Miles comes in.

I stare at him, nonplussed. ‘I thought you’d gone to work.’

‘I’m going in late,’ he says. Then he turns to look at me. ‘I’d like it if you’d think seriously about what you suggested last night,’ he says. ‘I have given our marriage everything I have, Holly. If it isn’t enough for you, there’s nothing I can do about that. And if you meant what you said, about reaching the end of the road, there are implications for all of us.’

I open my mouth to reply, but before I can say anything, he goes on.

‘There’s more to say. But I’m afraid now isn’t the time.’ He pulls on his jacket. ‘I won’t be home tonight. It’s probably just as well. We could both do with some time apart – to think.’ He picks up his car keys, then without so much as a goodbye, heads for the door.

As his car drives away, the strain is almost unbearable. But was it reasonable to expect anything less? Finding my phone, I call Rita.

‘Hi,’ I say. ‘Do you have a minute?’

‘A couple,’ she says. ‘How’s things?’

‘Truly awful,’ I say miserably. ‘I spoke to Miles.’