Page 22 of You Were Always the One

There’s a silence from Holly’s end of the phone that’s almost deathly, before she says, ‘OK.’ She pauses. ‘How about tomorrow?’

In the evening, back at home, tomorrow feels a very long way away. Hours pass during which I know she could change her mind. And she has good reason to; we are a lifetime away from what used to be the simplicity of us.

I know from the way she said it just how big that OK was. So big that I half don’t expect her to show. But it doesn’t stop me imagining driving to the pub where we’ve arranged to meet the following day. She’s already there, standing by her car, the wind catching her hair as I park next to her. As I get out and go towards her, neither of us speaks. But neither of us has to. The feeling between us is palpable. And it’s as it always has been as, reaching her, I gaze into her beautiful eyes. Then she reaches up and kisses me.

It’s like playing the most romantic song in the world, until the needle scratches on vinyl – I like old-style records, by the way. And like I said, it’s how it goes in my imagination. In real life, of course, it goes differently. I mean, she agrees to meet me, but when I reach the pub, I wait for fifteen minutes before her car pulls in. She actually parks several cars away from me, under a tree, before getting out and walking towards me. I can tell from her walk she’s uncertain about this.

‘Hi.’ She looks slightly uncomfortable as she glances over her shoulder. ‘Can we go inside?’

‘Sure.’ I head towards the door, Holly a few feet away from me. Inside, I go to the bar. ‘What would you like to drink?’ I ask her.

‘Gin. A double,’ she says.

I look at her, surprised. ‘Is that wise?’ I mean, she has to drive home. She has the kids coming back from school.

‘To hell with sensible,’ she says shortly.

I order our drinks and carry them over to a table. ‘Or would you rather sit outside?’ I suggest.

She gives me a look. ‘Riggs, I really don’t care where I sit.’

Alarm bells start going off. It’s a side of Holly I’ve seen just once or twice before. The last time was just before we broke up. Holly on a tightrope, was how I thought of it. It’s confirmed by the restlessness in her eyes.

‘Here.’ I pass her drink to her.

She takes a large swig. ‘God, I need this,’ she says.

I frown at her. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’

She blinks at me. ‘I am so far from OK, Riggs. But I don’t know what to do about it.’

‘Tell me about it?’ I suggest.

‘You won’t believe it when I tell you.’ She sighs heavily. ‘I still haven’t talked to Miles. And if that’s not enough, a few nights ago, he caught me going through the pockets of one of his jackets.’

‘Ouch.’ I grimace.

‘I know. I hardly know myself. I mean, going through my husband’s pockets?’ She shakes her head. ‘He’s started working from home, which makes me feel trapped. And Dora is dying – one of my patients. Lovely Dora who’s had a wonderful life and knows what matters…’ Her lip wobbles, her eyes filling with tears. ‘Rita thinks I’m weak for not confronting Miles. And I… I…’ She runs out of words at that point. But not for long. ‘I’m starting to wonder if I’m having a nervous breakdown.’

‘You’re not,’ I reassure her. ‘You’re stressed. And it’s not surprising.’

‘I am so fucking stressed,’ she mutters under her breath, then drinks the rest of her gin down in one.

‘Bloody hell.’ I watch her. ‘Go easy, Holls.’

The tension in her starts to fade and she sighs. ‘I’m sorry. But I’m caught in a situation that feels impossible.’

‘It might feel like that,’ I say gently. ‘Right now, you’re in the eye of the storm. And you know about storms?’ I hold her gaze. ‘They always pass.’

‘Yeah, right,’ she says cynically. ‘Meanwhile, they obliterate homes and demolish trees. They also kill people.’ Then she sits back. ‘Sorry. I know that sounds dramatic. But it’s true, isn’t it?’

I study her. ‘Maybe it’s about how you’re looking at this,’ I say.

She shakes her head. ‘Don’t suggest I look for positives,’ she warns.

‘I wouldn’t dream of it.’ I fold my arms. ‘I was going to say something along the lines of the reason you haven’t had this out with Miles is that the time hasn’t been right.’

‘It certainly hasn’t.’