Page 26 of When The Noise Stops

I stopped chewing.

I looked up. There was a little girl on the near path. Eight, maybe. Dark hair in two braids. Pink sneakers with lights in the heels that blinked when she ran. She stopped to pick something out of the grass and held it up to a woman. For one stupid second, my mind went right to her.

Gabby.

I raised her from a screaming newborn to a kid who could buckle her own helmet. I did the two a.m. bottles. I did the fevers. I did the first day of school. Days and years. I reveled in watching her grow.

Then Maggie cheated.

I didn't fight for the marriage. By then, there wasn't much left worth fighting for. She was a selfish person. Always me, me, me. Love can make you overlook things like that, but then she started wearing down my love for her.

She punished me like I'd been the one who cheated.

She took my daughter. No visitation. No phone calls.

Lawyers got involved.

Her lawyer told the judge there was no biological relationship, like eight years was a hobby I'd picked up. The judge agreed.

Maggie laughed at me, said I only wanted Gabby because I couldn't have any of my own.

I can't remember now what I ever saw in her. Why I'd loved her.

I looked down at the lasagna. My appetite was gone. She'd made this for me. That made it worse.

I sat there until the tray went cold and my jaw started to ache from holding it shut. I went to grab a cigarette from my pocket, but realized I hadn't smoked since Lila pulled the last one from between my lips.

I dumped the rest of the food in the trash. Walked back to the shop. Locked the bay. Killed the lights.

Home was gray and quiet.

I wanted Lila.

I wanted her in the doorway with another foil tray. I wanted to hear her talk.

But I also wanted a kid I couldn't have, and a girl I wasn't allowed to see, and I could already picture Lila looking at me the way people did when they found out I was a man with a hole where a family used to be.

I didn't knock on her door. I wanted to.

I took a shower and grabbed a beer.

Didn't turn the TV on. Just sat there staring at the black screen with the bottle resting between my hands.

I don't know how long I'd been sitting there when my doorknob rattled.

Then somebody knocked.

"Grizz!"

I closed my eyes.

"I know you're in there."

The knob rattled again.

I got up and opened the door.

Lila stood there holding the ugliest fucking cake I'd ever seen.