Page 134 of To Tango, with Desire

“I was always afraid I’d end up like my dad,” he began, his voice low. “I think for a long time I didn't want children because I was afraid I'd somehow taint them. Then I used to think I wasn't good enough to raise a kid. It was only when I went to therapy that I realized how fucked up my thinking had been. I also don't think a child deserves to be raised by nannies and strangers, so on the practical side of things, I wouldn't have the time to raise a child in the way they deserve. It's too important a job to just leave to someone else, you know?”

I nodded. It was comforting to know we were both in agreement.

“Even though I was little, I understood that I couldn’t depend on my father. I barely had a relationship with him before he died, and it was my mom who took on the burdens of life. She told me when I was older that she’d hoped that he would one day wake up and see what he was missing out on. That he would change. But any time he started to take steps to get himself clean, he would end up back where he started.”

“Your mom sounds like a strong woman to have put up with all of that.”

“She was. And wasn’t. As I grew up, I realized that she would cry only when I was asleep. The odd time I’d woken in the middle of the night, I’d find her sobbing in a closet. She never wanted me to be burdened by her emotions. But after we moved out, we heard that my dad overdosed and I think my mom felt guilty about it. As I got older, it was harder for her to shield me from all the gossip on the street. I got caught up in fights. You had to show them who was tough or they’d take you for a ride in those parts—”

“Zane . . . I’m so sorry.”

“I know. But compared to some other kids, I had it good. I refused to be a drug runner, so I didn’t have a crew that owned me. Or protected me. As I got older, in my teens, I had to be quick on my feet when someone from the past came knocking. We moved a lot to avoid facing those who wanted money from my dad’s debts. So I learned to protect us. But that defensiveness followed me. I was in a good public school, but I was too jaded to appreciate it at the time.

“Omar pulled me aside one day, when I’d had my face busted by some bastard who’d been looking for more money. He gave me two options. He laid out a path for me, the one I was on, getting into scraps, not using my smarts. Or the other was turning my life around. Every time I slipped into old habits, he was there to remind me of what my future could look like. Who I could be.”

“I wish I could have met him.”

“Me too.”

“Zane, I . . .”

Kade’s confession swirled through my brain. I wanted Zane to know the truth about Omar, but I wasn’t sure I could do it. The secret weighed on my chest but I didn’t want to be the one to break the news to him. Especially given how unstable Kade had appeared the last time I’d seen him. Guilt coursed through my veins for keeping Zane in the dark. Right now, it felt like everything was a mess.

“Amira? You zoned out there, habibti.”

“I’m tired.”

“Let’s get you into bed. It’s been a big few weeks for us both, and I want to head over to see Kade before I get to the office tomorrow.”

“Kade? You’ve heard from him? Is he okay?”

“Nothing to concern yourself with.” Zane patted my knee, holding out his hand. “It’s late. We’ll talk in the morning,” he amended.

When he gathered me in his arms, I shoved aside my fears and let myself stay in the moment.

The truth could wait for another day.

ZANE

I knew the moment something was wrong. Amira’s breathing, normally deep and rhythmic, was labored.

“Amira?”

I turned on the light to find she’d thrown aside the covers. She was clutching her stomach and writhing in pain. Her nightdress had ridden up her thighs, and that was when I froze. Between her legs were traces of dried blood. It had stained the mattress as well.

Was this normal?

Was she having a miscarriage?

A cold wave of fear left me momentarily stunned.

“Amira?” I touched her shoulder. “Amira, sweetheart, wake up, we need to go to the hospital.”

She groaned, then opened her eyes. “Zane? I don’t feel so—” She crumpled into the mattress, doubling over.

“We have to go to the hospital. You’re bleeding. I’m going to get some clothes on and then I’ll come back for you. Stay where you are.”

“It hurts,” she wailed.