Page 158 of The Comedown

Julian straightens to his full height, his form so much taller than mine, and sticks a hand in his pocket.

Bare’s behind us, far enough away not to listen in…I thought anyway because his eyes flash at his boss, taking in his shift in body language.

“The ways we choose to cope, right?”

“You don’t cope. You run.”

He waves a hand at me. “What are you doing right now?”

“What I should’ve done from the very beginning, getting away. Far from here.”

“You don’t mean… Collette?”

“Whether it’s now or later, it’s bound to happen, isn’t it? A tour-mance only lasts as long as the tour does.” I don’t know why I say it, just that it feels equal parts empowering and weak—empowering because I just hurt someone, weak because it hurt me worse.

“Here I thought you were fixing me up,

stitching me up,

shoulda known all along you’d be the one zipping me up.”

As he speaks, he mimics the movements like he’s zipping up a body bag around himself, and it’s painful to watch, even more painful than what I just said.

I bite my tongue until I taste copper.

A streak of anger wanders on to his face as his hand turns into a finger pointed directly at me. “Stop trying to fucking leave me before you even leave me.”

I close the distance between us, saying in his face, “I’m already gone, Julian. A part of me, the best, most important part, just left with the man who controls every aspect of my life. You want to know why I can’t be your queen? Because I’m not even my own.” Then spinning on my heel, I speed-walk up the rest of the boardwalk, plastering a fake smile on a face that doesn’t even feel real anymore. None of this does.

Except it must be because no nightmare’s ever made me this afraid.

I bypass the hotel, unsure where I’m going or what I’m doing.

I consider flying straight to Tennessee to call Bodee’s bluff like Julian suggested. But what if he’s wrong? What if Bodee’s not bluffing at all? Could I survive Holter being taken from me?

No. There’s not a doubt in my mind I wouldn’t.

Can I survive two weeks without him?

Yes. I probably wouldn’t if Mary wasn’t with him.

For my peace of mind, I hope Bodee leaves Holter and Mary the hell alone once they reach his massive estate, but for Holter’s sake, I hope his father actually takes the time to get to know him. Bodee called him a failed abortion.

I cover my mouth, swallowing down the vomit making its way up my throat as my body starts convulsing in fear, in shame, in white-hot anger.

I let Bodee take Holter. I let him walk away with my son, my child, my reason for breathing.

I should’ve passed on The Mousais.

But if I quit now and give in to Bodee’s demands, that doesn’t guarantee it’d stop him from making more in the future. It doesn’t really matter what I do, he’d find something else, anything else. Just like I told Julian, whether it’s now or later, some things are just that inevitable. Bodee Keys won’t stop until he’s ruined me and everything I’ve worked for.

It doesn’t really matter what I do.

I’ve tried my best for years to do the right thing, say the right thing, be the right fucking thing, and one quick email could rip everything I hold dear right out of my hands.

Powerless hands.

Perhaps I’ve been powerless all along, and it was pure arrogance to think otherwise, but nothing could’ve prepared me for this. This is one of the rare times in my life that I feel powerless, yes, but so much more. More so than the night I faced off against Jack, more so than the night on top of Julian’s bus, more so than when my parents handed me over to the devil incarnate himself.