Page 111 of The Comedown

“My why?” Holter asks as Julian easily sinks the ball in the net from the free-throw line.

“Yeah. Everyone needs a why. What’s yours for basketball? Why do you wanna play?”

“That’s what my school’s known for. Everybody there plays basketball, watches basketball, talks basketball, eats, sleeps, breathes basketball.”

Julian retrieves the ball to make another shot, then looks at Holter.

“That’s not your why. If you’re only doing something for someone else, and not yourself, then you’re guaranteed to fail. You gotta want it.”

The ball bounces over to Holter, and he grabs it, balancing it against his hip.

“What else am I supposed to do?”

“Whatever the fuck you want.” Julian shrugs before rushing to say, “Don’t tell your mom I said that. Or Mary. She scares me.”

Holter laughs and shakes his head.

“I don’t know, man. The people at your school… The guys at your school, they seem corny to me. If I were you, I wouldn’t waste my time doing what they’re doing, especially if they’re your only why.”

“Why do you say that?”

“The thing with your mom and their creepy little crushes on her.”

Holter focuses on the ball as he switches it from hand to hand, but then Julian adds, “Plus, they messed with you. Of course, I’m gonna hate ’em.”

Holter’s head lifts to watch Julian’s advance. Even from here I can see my son’s smile.

Julian says something quieter next to him and grabs his shoulder, nodding.

“You did?” Holter asks wide-eyed. “I thought you hate social media.”

Julian chuckles, stealing the ball from his grasp.

“I do, but I made an exception. They won’t do anything to you again.” He points at Holter. “But if they try, call me.”

Holter’s steps stutter. “Won’t you be busy?”

“Probably.” Julian dribbles the ball between his legs. “Don’t mean I can’t make the time though. Like today.” He scoops the ball into one palm and holds it out to Holter. “If you’re really gonna go out for basketball, we gotta get you ready.”

“What about sound check?”

“What sound check?” Julian asks, a shit-eating grin splitting his face before he releases the ball, slapping it toward Holter.

“But—”

“I got all day, kid. Let’s play.”

Julian definitely does not have all day because we do have a sound check scheduled soon, but I don’t dare interrupt and correct him. I couldn’t anyway, not with my throat clogged and my eyes clouded over with unshed tears.

I finally get ahold of myself, stepping the rest of the way inside to watch them play against each other, the whole time Julian giving Holter pointers on how to improve his game.

Holter makes his first basket and spins around to get Julian’s reaction. While I try not to let the image break my heart, I feel the fissure anyway. Not just for Holter, and not just for myself, but for Julian as well. Will he ever have someone in his life look up to him like that?

Eventually Holter glances over at me for mine, so I give him the biggest smile I can, the building of more tears making my lips tremble as my cheeks twitch.

His hands on his slim hips, Julian follows Holter’s stare, and smiles when he sees me. “Hey, Poohbear.”

“Hey.”