Page 85 of Mommy

Her blonde brows draw together in skepsis.

“You drink dried mushrooms?”

I chuckle.

“Maybe give it a try before you judge me.” I suggest.

Ivory looks at me a bit guilty and nods.

“Good girl.” I praise her only to see her blush and when the red hue starts to colour her cheeks, I bend down to kiss her forehead. “Do me a favor and look after Posie and the puppies?”

I can handle breakfast without her help. Hell, it’ll probably be easier without her in the kitchen because even if she’s not in the way, she’s one hell of a distraction. The dogs though? After yesterday, I’m not sure I’m that well suited to get that taken care of.

Having something to do, Ivory’s face lights up and before I know it, she is out of my reach. I can still see her over the edge of the couch, but my focus improves greatly. And for a change I don’t think it has anything to do with the mushrooms in my coffee.

Chapter forty four

Ivory

I have gotten used to staying at Derek’s.

We both take care of Posie and the puppies, even though he insists he only has them around because we made a deal. But I can see that she’s growing on him. He has a gigantic crate for the eleven puppies we have at the house with Posie, and he got a new rug because after we found her blood and discharge splattered all over the old one there was no way we could’ve saved it.

It’s been a few weeks, and I started to like knowing that he’ll be home when I get there. I started to like watching him make us dinner.

I started to actually enjoy eating again.

It’s no longer just something I have to do to keep my body functioning somewhat normal. Now, I am excited for the meals he makes me. They taste like he cares. I can taste the effort he puts in, in each bite that goes past my lips.

I even started to like going to the gym with him.

I’m bigger now. Not a lot, but enough to make it visible in the reflection of the mirror when I shower in the morning.

What most startled me though, is that being bigger doesn’t stress me anymore. I used to try and be invisible, thin as a ghost and only satisfied when my ribs were showing. A month ago, the muscles that started to reshape my body would’ve scared me. They would’ve put an abnormal amount of stress on my shoulders, and I would’ve stopped eating until I turn invisible again. Not with Derek though.

Maybe it’s the way he looks at me that makes me feel like this is a good thing.

Every time, I use a heavier weight at the gym, or do more reps than before, Derek’s face is right there. A reassuring smile on his lips and a small nod of appreciation that screams success. It makes my chest swell with pride.

I don’t feel big, instead I feel… strong.

And for the first time in my life, I feel like it’s okay to take up space.

I feel like there actually is space, that’s for me to use.

Like I belong.

And I started to like it.

I like it enough that if today hadn’t been leg day, I would be skipping down my way between the rows of gym equipment.

Only once the counter comes into view, I stop.

And I feel my heart—that was so light and happy a second ago—glide through my fingers. Like the bar did earlier, when my arms couldn’t hold the weight anymore. Derek was right there to catch it before it hit the floor.

He’s not now.

And my heart falls out of my hands and shatters on the dark tiles.