Page 71 of Villa of Secrets

I blinked at her, shocked. Had I really behaved so badly? I considered the past weeks, and realised that she spoke the truth. I stared at the ground, ashamed, then sat beside her and slipped my arm around her drooping shoulders.

‘It’s true; I do take you for granted, but not in a nasty way. I take you for granted like I take my own heart for granted. It’s there, beating away, keeping me going, keeping me alive. I don’t even think about it, but without it I’m dust. Without you, Irini, I’m lifeless.’ I had to pause, swallow hard and fight to keep my voice steady. I turned towards her and recognised the sadness in her face. It cut me up.

‘Please . . . I am so sorry. I didn’t realise I’d been so selfish. I’ve been so wrapped up in the Andartes’ plans trying to get the war to end. I’m desperate for my family to come back, and I want your loved ones to return too, but without you, Irini, I can’ do it. I long to tell you what happened with the rebels, but if I do, they swore they’d kill me and the person I told, in the most horrible way. So, much as I want, I dare not risk it. You’re too precious to me.’

She nodded and sniffed hard. ‘What’s going to happen to us, Dora? Are you in love with Giovanni? I’m so mixed up, confused about my feelings. Perhaps it’s jealousy, but I don’t want to share you with him.’ She shook her head adamantly. ‘Whatever it is, when you’re with Giovanni, it’s so painful for me. Really cuts me up.’ She stared at her hands. ‘When he kissed me in the woods, I wanted it to be amazing, but it wasn’t anything. When I kiss you, it’s like my moon goes into orbit. I realise that sounds mad, but I can’t explain it any other way.’

I felt terrible because I too was all mixed up inside. ‘I don’t know if it’s love,’ I said. ‘It is something crazy, and sexy, and insane, and magical. I can’t fight it. But it’s very different from what we have.’ I placed my hand on her cheek and turned her face towards me. Her sad eyes came to meet mine and suddenly everything became clear. ‘I love you, Irini. I truly love you, and I will until my dying day. Nothing can change that. Right now, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ I had to be completely honest with her, even though I understood my words might be hurtful. ‘I don’t know where this is going with Giovanni. Perhaps it will fizzle out, but I can’t ignore it any more than I can explain it. I’m powerless to resist the chemistry between me and him. At times it seems to be swallowing me up, but try as I may, I can’t fight it.’

‘That’s another thing that upsets me, the fighting. You will never end the war by yourself, Dora. Do you really want to risk your life for the Andartes? Because that is what you’re doing. It’s terrible waiting here, wondering if you’ve been caught committing some crazy sabotage.’ She sighed. ‘They will shoot you if they catch you, Dora. You can’t seem to understand the danger you put yourself in.’

‘But I have to try, I . . . It’s for Papa . . . He gave me life, and I owe him mine.’

‘No, you don’t! What you owe him is to be safe. You owe him grandchildren, a happy life, a well-kept home for your family — all those things that made his upbringing of you worthwhile. How would you feel if your daughter had herself killed for your sake? You wouldn’t want it, not now, not ever, no matter what the circumstances.’ Irini sighed. ‘I worry each time you leave that I may never see you again, and you can’t even be bothered to say goodbye to me.’

Her words touched my heart. I had hurt her so much. ‘Oh, Irini, I am sorry. I didn’t realise how awful I was being. It’s just . . . what if the war ends the day after they’ve all been executed.’ I squeezed my eyes closed. ‘I go mad worrying about it. I imagine being shot in the head. Do you think it hurts?’ She was silent for a moment, then a sob shuddered through her body. I pulled her to me. She pushed her face against my neck and cried, and I held her until she calmed.

‘If they do shoot them,’ she said,’ I hope they’re together. I hope Papa is holding Mama and my sister in his arms, the way you hold me.’ She started sobbing again. ‘Oh, Dora, what can we do? We mustn’t let it happen!’

‘I wish you could understand, Irini. I would blame myself for the rest of my life if they died. I can’t allow it. We must find a way to speed up the end of the war. I swear to be a better friend and be with you for eternity. I didn’t realise I was being so terrible.’ I leaned forward and turned to look into her face. ‘Say you’ll always be my best friend, Irini, that you’ll love me forever, as I love you. Please tell me you forgive me.’

Her eyes, still swimming with tears, met mine. She nodded and then stared at the ground. ‘I want to be more help,’ she said. ‘Will you ask Nathanial? I have to make sure you’re safe and, if the worst happens, I wish to die at your side.’

‘Please don’t talk like that,’ I lifted her chin. ‘We’re not going to get killed, because we’re invincible, aren’t we, corporal?

She smiled sadly. ‘If you say so, kapitanessa.’

I promised I would speak to the Andartes leader. Silently, we re-arranged the bed so that Evangelisa and Xanthi slept at the bottom, and Irini and I took the top, packed like sardines in a can. The arrangement suited us fine, so long as nobody snuggled down too far so the other end got a pair of sweaty feet in their face. We made a new rule: everyone had to wash their feet before they got into bed.

*

A long and difficult day has come to an end. Eager to bring my diary up to date, and desperate for an uninterrupted night’s sleep, I’m writing this at the spring. The sun is setting over the monastery, a glorious sight to see. The sky was golden when I arrived. In a matter of minutes, it has turned orange and then red, washing everything around me in warm light. The air is still, and the usual woodland sounds have died, leaving me with an odd feeling that the world waits for something enormous and uplifting.

I have mixed feelings about leaving my companions, Irini, Giovanni, and Evangelisa. I will miss them, but I look forward to having a little time just for myself. The challenge of learning to shoot excites me.

Friday, 4 August 1944

Dear diary, just a few lines before I leave for the mud tunnels. I woke trembling and afraid for no apparent reason, The air in the hut was damp and stuffy. I lay in the dark trying to recall my nightmare, without success, then I slipped out of bed and sat outside. Being grown-up isn’t all I imagined it to be. Suddenly, everything is serious with consequences I had never considered. Responsibility was a weight I hadn’t foreseen and was even less prepared for.

Chapter 31

Rebecca traced small watermarks on the cover. Dora had cried over her journal. Then a fresh spot appeared, puckering the paper and slowly spreading. The page blurred as she stared, and Rebecca realised it was her own tears mingling with her grandmother’s. She wiped her eyes and looked up from the diary, for a moment confused by her surroundings, like waking from a deep sleep in a strange place. She had her hand on her chest, staring, when Naomi came back into the kitchen.

‘Are you all right?’

‘I can hardly believe it’s Bubba,’ she said, her voice thick with emotion. ‘Reading this completely changes my perspective of her. Imagine having that kind of friendship, Dora and Irini. They were so close.’

‘I’ve considered that too. I mean, Heleny and I have been best mates all our lives. We started school together, and we’ve seen each other almost every day since. But recently, I realised she’s been lonely for years. It made me awfully disappointed in myself. I wondered why her loneliness had never occurred to me before. Do you have close friends in London?’

Rebecca frowned for a moment, then shook her head. ‘I’m in a children’s charity group, and a lunch group, and a photography group too. There are a couple of neighbours that will come for a coffee at the drop of a hat, so I have lots of acquaintances but nothing that comes anywhere near Bubba and Irini’s relationship. I suppose Fritz is my truest friend – my soulmate. But even though I’ve known him for eleven years, there are things, innermost feelings, that I’d be reluctant to share with him, and I guess he feels the same.’ She stared at the floor, silent, her face stony.

Naomi watched her and wondered if everything was okay between her and Fritz. ‘I suspect that changes over a great length of time. Sometimes you see an old couple giving off a certain sense of contentment. Even when they disagree or annoy each other, they’re like one person. Do you know what I mean?’

Rebecca nodded. ‘As it is with you and Costa.’ The silence returned, broken when she looked straight into Naomi’s eyes. ‘Do you think I’ll ever have that?’

Naomi was pained by the sadness in her sister’s voice. ‘It takes time, Rebecca, and patience, understanding and forgiveness. No marriage is all hearts and flowers.’

‘Yours is.’