Page 62 of Shatter

"I made this stupid list of things I wanted to learn or do that I'd never gotten the chance to. Really simple stuff that's, like, stupid obvious to everyone else, but my childhood wasn't exactly normal. And then he rented a parking garage and checked three of those things off the list. And it's not even about the list. The list is stupid. But I never got a choice before in anything, and here he is on a random Tuesday making a stupid list happen."

I don't breathe during that entire monologue, so I'm panting by the time I'm done, and three sets of eyes simply stare back at me. June's too busy shoving her hand down the neck of my shirt.

Finally, Ser clears her throat. "I think we need to back up here. I feel like there's a lot we missed."

So, I start from the beginning. How even when I was little, he protected me. How he saw me. Primal night, and the cabin in Aspen. How something changed, and it wasn't just sex. How he handled everything that night that I wanted it all to end. How amazing he was protecting Parker. How he bought me a whole new wardrobe and protected me against my parents. My silly list. How, before Harrison, I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or choose the color of my eyeshadow. And now, not only do I have a choice, he's giving me all the choices. Not only giving me space to make my own choices, but he's making them happen. Completely selflessly. And how I've never known people like him even existed.

Ser and Nell are holding hands now, both wiping away tears. Cass sniffs but turns away, too tough for tears.

Cammy's playing with my ear now, happily babbling away in baby-talk.

"So, tell him," Cass says, like it's obvious.

My stomach sours.

"But what if he doesn't feel the same way? What if this is all still temporary for him? How can I make him want forever with me?"

"You can't make him want anything," Ser is quick to chime in. "But you can show him everything."

"What do you mean?"

"Show him what forever with you would look like. Forever is only a series of temporary moments anyhow."

She's only a few years older than me, but she seems so wise beyond her years.

"How do I do that?"

She shrugs. "Well, what do you bring to the table as a girlfriend? Or a wife? What kind of woman do you want to be when you're with him? I really don't see him being the one to end things."

"What do you mean?"

Nell pipes up now. "You came to The Envelope that first night looking for an escape. And he gave you that. Then you needed connection; in Aspen. He gave you that. Then you needed protection, and he gave you that. Has he ever denied you anything?"

"Yes," I pout grumpily, remembering when I tried to thank him with a blow job and was rejected.

"Was it for your own good?" Cass asks.

"Yes," I grumble.

Cass pats my knee. "Harrison is a good man, who loves hard, and it seems to me like you might be someone he loves. He's protective and giving and careful and kind. Doesn't that feel like love to you?"

I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. He's done so much for me, so selflessly. Shit, even moving me into his condo must be a huge change for him, and he did it without a second thought. I needed a place to stay, and he was that for me.

Maybe he could love me.

Handing the baby back to Nell, I take out my phone and open the notes app.

"Alright, you guys are wives and girlfriends."

"Not me," Cass raises her hand like she's in elementary school.

I smack her thigh. "No, but you're smart. I want to make a list of all of the things wives and girlfriends should do. I want to make a list of how to get him to want forever with me."

Chapter thirty-two

Harrison

Melody's back at work, and I can't stop watching her. I have background checks to run waiting for me on my desk, but I can't keep my eyes off of her. She's getting better at bartending. She has a book Benji brought her with cocktail recipes, and Cass has given her the green light to practice and experiment. Having a higher alcohol bill next month will be well worth it. She's flourishing.