Page 29 of Lawson & Jill

Law’s shoulders sagged and his head dropped. Jill had a tough time hearing his words. “He deserved to have a better brother.”

She pushed his chin up. “Have you ever thought that maybe his last thoughts were with you? Maybe instead of a cry for help, his conversation with you was exactly what it was, a big brother who was checking up on his little brother. An act of love and caring. He loved you, Law. You know this, don’t you?”

His jaw clenched and he nodded.

“Ash said Xave never knew how to bend, so the winds just kept coming at him until that day he shattered. Ash didn’t think he ever saw it coming, it just got to be too much for him one day.”

“What do you think?” Jill asked.

“I think Xavier was fighting and was in a lot of pain, but at his core, he was a protector. If he had an idea that he was coming to a point that he would kill himself and leave all of us this hurt and devastated he would have done anything to get himself help. He would have wanted to save us from this hurt. But his demons blindsided him.”

She waited for him to hear what he just said. It took him long moments.

His head slowly shook back and forth. He looked like he was coming out of a daze.

“Let me tell you something,” Jill started. “When Lorraine got cancer, she spent months trying to figure out what she’d done, what lifestyle change she could have made that would have prevented it. She beat herself up for months, blaming herself for having cancer. I talked till I was blue in the face telling her she wasn’t at fault. Finally, a really wise nurse told her to stop it. She explained to Lorraine that the reason she was trying to take the blame for it, was so she could somehow explain it to herself and take control of the disease, and ultimately stop it. The nurse gave her the harsh truth that Lorraine couldn’t give herself.”

She could see that Law was listening.

“That’s what you’re doing, Love. You’re thinking that if you’re to blame, you could have stopped this. I think your brother Ash is right about Xavier. He snapped.”

“What about the warning signs he exhibited?”

Jill sighed. “It’s possible you’re right. It’s also possible he was just checking up on you. You’ll never know for sure. Is beating yourself up accomplishing anything? Is it what Xavier would have wanted?”

He blew out a long breath and shook his head. At long last, she saw a dimple appear. “He definitely wouldn’t want me to be all mopey with you smiling at me.”

“Oh really?”

“Really. I think you’re right, Xave would be pissed as hell to see me wallowing. I remember him saying that the only thing worse than second-guessing yourself was third-guessing yourself. He’d sure as hell be disgusted with me letting this situation slip through my fingers.”

“What situation would that be?”

“You sitting on my lap,” he grinned.

“I’m intrigued. How would Xavier handle a situation like this?”

A dimple appeared.

Jill sent up a prayer of thanks to Xavier Thorne.