Page 79 of The Chase

I toyed with the hem of my skirt. “So do I start, or do you?”

She uncapped and recapped her pen and set her notebook down. “You called me. So why don’t you tell me why you made the appointment?”

I closed my eyes and sighed.

How did I explain it to her? I made the appointment because the nightmares scared my boyfriend. Waking up to me screaming in my sleep made him worry too much. Because he loved me, but I didn’t think he deserved the baggage I came with.

“Maxine, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. This is a safe space,” she said in a soft voice.

I crossed my legs and uncrossed them again, and tried to will the words out of me. I would rather melt into the couch than tell her why I came here. I didn’t want to talk about the accident. Or how Charlie and my parents’ death still tormented me after all these years.

Rebecca sat back in her chair and offered me a small smile, but she didn’t repeat her question. She was waiting for me to make the first move, but nerves wrapped around my chest so tight I couldn’t get the words out.

The tick-tick-tick of the hand on the clock felt like it was booming across the room as we sat in silence. I promised TJ I would try therapy, that I’d try to talk to someone, and Rebecca seemed nice, but I wasn’t sure I could do this.

I let out a heavy breath and then did it again. When it happened one more time, I realized I was hyperventilating.

Crap.

“Maxine, are you okay?” Rebecca’s voice penetrated through my murky thoughts.

My vision blurred, and tears pricked my eyes. “No,” I squeaked out. “I’m having a panic attack.”

She reached out and put a hand on my leg. “Breathe, okay? Can you do that for me?”

I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut. I focused on my breathing and tried to calm myself down.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

She gave me a small smile and handed me a box of tissues. “That’s okay. We can go at your pace, but I’d like to know what prompted your visit today. If you’re open to that.”

I dabbed at my eyes with the tissue and swallowed hard.

I didn’t know if I could do this. I already had a panic attack, and I hadn’t told her a single thing about why I was here.

“No pressure. If you want to sit here in silence until you’re ready, we can do that too.”

I nodded and let her words sink into me.

I wanted to get better, but thinking about that night made me want to run away and never speak to anyone ever again.

Rebecca and I sat in silence for a few more minutes. My breathing had gone back to normal, but I still fiddled with the hem of my skirt, unsure where to start. She had a patient smile on her face while she waited for me to speak up again.

I straightened up my spine and took a deep, calming breath. “I have night terrors.”

Rebecca picked up her notepad and wrote something down.

“About the accident that killed my parents and my boyfriend when I was eighteen.”

She nodded her head. “Do you want to talk about it today?”

I shook my head.

“That’s okay, Maxine. We can figure this out together.”

“Okay,” I said meekly.