Page 75 of UNAwere

‘Promise, Red.’

I tilt my head and say in a sing-song voice, ‘I promise I won’t leave, Briggsy boy. I proooooomiiiiissseee.’

‘Say it seriously.’

‘I. Promise. I. Won’t. Leave,’ I say, in my best robot impression.

His lip curls. ‘Red, be serious.’

‘I am.’

He runs a shaking hand through his hair. ‘Please, Sybbie.’

The intensity in his plea takes me aback for a moment.

‘I’ll be here,’ I say, after a tense silence. I don’t know why I don’t feel like promising him seriously. Maybe it’s because, deep down, I have the slight inclination to go exploring.

When we pulled up at this motel, there was an outdoor pool under multiple strings of fairy lights. And as soon as I saw it, I told myself I was going to swim.

The sound of the door closing breaks me out of my thoughts. I let out a breath and sink back into the bed, listening to the hatchback’s engine starting. When I’m certain Jude’s gone, I get out of bed and pad across to the door.

Outside, the air is heavy with the threat of rain. And it’s cool and blissfully still.

The motel runs in an L-shape along a paved lot, and on its end sits the pool, behind a tall privacy fence. The fairy lights are still on when I reach it, and it’s empty. I grin, going through the gate and stripping down to my underwear. I leave my clothes and phone on a sun lounge and then slip into the water.

It’s freezing, and I let out a gasp as the water encases me. But it feels divine, having something solid, something tangible, touching me, anchoring me, bringing me to the here and now.

I wade for a while, enjoying the peace. And when I float on my back, my hair splaying in the water around my shoulders, the fairy lights twinkle above me like a galaxy.

And it’s the most at peace I’ve felt in a while.

I don’t want it to end.

I’m in the water until my fingers are pruning and my legs are tired from kicking. I swim to the side and lean against it, smiling as I tilt my head back, letting the water slick my hair.

It’s strange. Being here. It’s like I’m in limbo – halfway between what was and what will be my life. And I don’t know whether I feel hopeful or doubtful.

My thoughts go to Jude again, and something inside my chest stirs. I sigh, pushing off the wall and wade to the other side of the pool. I should be happy that he’s being cold to me again. And I am, but the more I let myself think about it, the more I understand how much it hurts to have him not look at me the way he used to. With comfort in his eyes. Hope.

‘God damn it, Red.’

I swivel, startled.

Jude’s standing on the other side of the fence, tall enough to be glaring at me over it. I grit my teeth and push off the wall, swimming back to the opposite side of the pool when he comes in through the gate.

‘Get out,’ he says.

‘No.’

His nostrils flare. ‘Red. Get out of the pool.’

I avert my gaze. ‘I want to keep swimming.’

‘You promised.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘You promised you weren’t going to leave the room.’

‘I don’t want to be controlled by you.’

‘I’m not controlling you, Red. I’m protecting you.’