Page 25 of Trial and Error

“He was pretty good.” Natalie raises her brows, and I roll my eyes. “Okay, fine, he was great.”

She nods in understanding as if she knew that was what I was going to say. “Did his folks look convinced?” I nod. “I guess your little fauxmance is over then?”

“I guess so,” I mumble, looking down at my hands in my lap. “It feels weird.”

“What does?” she asks, staying quiet as she waits for me to work up the courage to say what I need to.

I shrug, worrying about what I’m about to say. “I went on a date with Malik, and it wasn’t what I expected.”

Natalie tilts her head to the side. “In a good way or bad way?”

“I didn’t feel the sparks. The dinner was really nice even though I felt nervous, but there wasn’t that instant spark, you know?” She nods. “Anyway, we ended up going back to my place and we hooked up but something was…missing, and now I feel weird about it all. I don’t want to have ruined our friendship and I want to give it another shot, but this thing with Elias has just shown me there is such a thing as a spark.”

“You felt one with him?”

I can’t be too sure that what I felt with him was a spark, but I know it was more than what I felt with Malik. He’s kind, considerate, and all in all a really amazing guy. Elias is the type of man I would find myself veering toward.

I shrug again. “Maybe? I don’t know…” I sigh. “All I know is that I’ve felt more with him in the past few weeks than I felt with Malik. I just hoped that once we went on the date, it would solidify my feelings for him.”

Natalie frowns a little. “I know you’ve both had crushes on each other for years, but sometimes you like the idea of each other more than actually liking the person.”

“I just don’t want to hurt him. Especially after how hard things with Orla were for him.”

She rests her hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “I know you care about him and you love him, but you’re not responsible for his feelings. He’s a big boy, Bids—he can handle it.”

I know she’s right, but it still doesn’t make it any easier. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Yes, you do,” Natalie says. “You know what’s for the best but you just don’t want to deal with the shit that might follow.”

I don’t reply, and she knows that there’s not much else to sat on the matter, so she sits upright and flings some popcorn in my face. “Mom said you weren’t interested in her fancy-schmancy dentist?”

I laugh. “The day I go on a blind date with someone she’s chosen will be the day Hell freeze over.” Natalie sniggers. “I just want her to leave me alone. I’ll find someone when I’m ready.”

She nods in agreement and looks over at me with a kind smile. “You’re young, Bids. There’s no rush for stuff like this, and who knows? Maybe you’ve already met him.” She chuckles. “Maybe it is Malik and you just need to get Elias out of your system.”

I roll my eyes but smile nevertheless. “I don’t think Elias is the kind of guy you try to get out of your system.”

She hums in agreement. “Maybe ask him on a date and see if it’s the spark you were feeling.” She pauses and then grins. “Want me to play matchmaker?”

“Natalie, you played matchmaker with Tom, and look how that turned out.”

She shoots me an apologetic glance. “Yeah…” She trails off. “I kinda fucked up there.”

Natalie encouraged me to pursue Tom when I was eighteen, and at the time he seemed like a great option. Sure, Malik had been around then but he was with his ex, and Tom was there at the right time. That’s not to say I didn’t love him, because I did—wholeheartedly, in fact—but eighteen-year-old me didn’t know how he’d turn out when we grew up. Even when I turned twenty-four, I struggled to understand why we broke up.

Twenty-seven-year old me, however, now understands that the relationship we had was far from perfect, and while there were highs, there were also a lot of lows. Tom was what I needed at the time, but when it comes down to it, we were never meant to last.

“Don’t worry.” I pat her leg. “I forgive you.”

“How’s Imani anyway? I haven’t seen her around for a while.”

I shrug and look down at my lap. Getting through to her seems like a mission these days.

I’m lying on my bed drinking an iced tea, staring at the ceiling like it holds all the answers, my phone buzzes—and it’s Imani.

I hesitate for a second.

I haven’t spoken to her for a while, not since she cancelled our dinner the other night, which is strange because we usually talk every day. I can’t put my finger on it but it feels like things have shifted between the two of us. I wonder if Malik told her I haven’t really spoken to him since we hooked up, and I get this uncomfortable feeling in my belly.