Page 49 of While I’m Still Here

“Climate change. I’ve been telling you to save the polar bears for the last three years, and now I’m sat here paying the price for it.”

Danny laughs, but I catch it. That tiny shift behind the humour almost something like disappointment or jealousy. Suddenly the harmless little game we've been playing for nearly three years doesn't feel quite so harmless.

I look down at my lunch.

This is complicated.

Colin is complicated. Danny is complicated. Cancer is extremely fucking complicated, and I am beginning to suspect that my grand plan to stop postponing my life might require slightly more administration than anticipated.

My phone buzzes.

I look at the screen.

MUM

Carol says she completely understands why you left the group and sends love xxx

I stare at it, then turn my phone towards Danny. He reads the message. “Still don't know who Carol is?”

“Not a fucking clue.”

Danny considers this gravely. “I like her.”

“Of course you do.”

“Can we invite her to the Christmas party?”

“No.”

“What if she brings soup?”

I start laughing, and for a few seconds, we're back where we've always been but never quite doing anything about it. Except now I know that later isn't guaranteed, and when Danny looks at me again, his eyes dropping briefly to my mouth before returning to mine, I have the uncomfortable feeling that he knows it too.

I turn back to my computer before I do something spectacularly stupid.

Not because I don't want to.

That's rather the fucking problem.

Fuck.

Chapter 8

Monday, 11:00 a.m.

Current status:

Tumours: 1.

Family support groups escaped: 1.

Unknown Carols emotionally invested in my recovery: 1.

Best friends shagged: 1.

Work colleagues shagged: 0.

Work colleagues I am increasingly aware I would quite like to shag: 1.