Page 150 of While I’m Still Here

“I know hair grows back.”

“It does, but that doesn’t make this any less hurtful.” Colin's hand moves slowly over my back. “It means something to you.”

I cry harder, and he lets me. There is no rush to stop me. Colin has known me long enough to understand that sometimes comfort isn't making something better. Sometimes it's simply refusing to leave while it remains shit. After a while, I pull away and wipe my face with both hands. “I can't do this every morning.”

Colin watches me. “Do what?”

“Wake up and count what's left.” I look towards the bathroom. “I keep pulling it.”

“Then don't.”

“I can't stop.”

Colin looks at my hands. I do too. There are strands tangled around my fingers again. I hadn't even noticed myself doing it. “I think I want it off.”

Colin doesn't react; he just nods his head. “Okay.”

“I don't want to watch it disppear bit by bit.”

“Okay.”

“I want to do it before cancer does.”

Colin nods. “Okay.”

My eyes fill again. “Stop saying okay.”

A tiny smile touches his mouth. “What would you prefer?”

“I don't fucking know.”

“Then okay seems like a perfectly valid response.”

I laugh through the tears. Bastard. Then fear crashes into me again. “What if I'm ugly?” Colin's face changes and I immediately look away. “Forget I said that.”

“No.”

“Colin.”

“No, because you're allowed to ask.”

I stare at the duvet. His hand comes beneath my chin, but he doesn't force my face towards him. He just rests his fingers there until I choose to look. “You're going to look different,” Colin says quietly. “And I know me telling you that you'll still be beautiful isn't going to magically make you like it, because we've already done this once.”

My chest aches. “But yes,” Colin continues, his thumb moving against my chin. “I'm still going to think you're beautiful.”

“You don't know that.”

“Yes, I fucking do.”

“You've never seen me bald.”

“I've seen you with that fringe you cut yourself when you were fourteen.”

My mouth falls open. “That was fashionable. Emily did it!”

“It was diagonal, Bea. You looked like that weird orange guy from the Minion movie.”

A laugh bursts out of me, and Colin smiles. “And I still fancied you… eventually.”