Page 127 of While I’m Still Here

I look at Colin, who simply shakes his head, and then at Marcus, who appears to be seriously considering whether it's too late to return Danny to whichever institution released him. “I’m going to forget that’s even there, and it’s going to go mouldy! Put it back in the basket,” I demand.

“So bossy,” Colin sighs. “You’re cranky today.”

“I'm going to miss my tits, Colin. Let a girl be a miserable bitch!” I pick up the tea towel he abandoned on the table and throw it at his head.

Forty-three minutes later, all four of us leave for the hospital. I don't look back at the house.

I don't know why.

It just feels important not to.

* * *

All three men come inside with me.

I thought perhaps one of them would wait in the car. I thought the hospital might object to me arriving with what looks suspiciously like a small male entourage. I thought I might object once we got here because three men hovering around me while I'm trying not to have a nervous breakdown feels excessive even by my recent standards.

I don't.

I want every single one of them.

Colin carries my bag because he packed half of it and doesn't trust me not to have removed something important in favour of snacks. Marcus has my folder because he understands the paperwork and knows I will lose it. Danny carries absolutely nothing useful because he has brought me a stuffed penguin he purchased at a petrol station at six in the morning and named Margaret.

“Why Margaret?” I ask as we sit in the admissions waiting area.

Danny looks down at the penguin tucked beneath his arm. “She looks like she's been through a divorce.”

I stare at him. Marcus, seated on my other side, glances at the penguin before saying, “It's a male emperor penguin.”

Danny turns towards him. “Marcus, I need you to understand that gender is the least concerning thing happening to Margaret.”

Colin laughs from the chair opposite us, although the laugh doesn't quite reach his eyes. He's frightened. All three of them are. They just wear it differently.

Danny has been talking almost constantly since we arrived, filling every patch of silence before my brain can populate it with images of operating theatres and scalpels. Marcus has gone into practical mode, checking the admission information once, then checking it again, not because he thinks anything has changed but because facts are something he can hold. Colin hasn't stopped looking at me.

That's the hardest one.

Every time I look at Colin, he's already looking. Eventually, I lean forward and whisper, “Stop staring at me.”

Colin blinks. “I'm not.”

“You are.”

“Sorry.”

“It's creepy.”

“Twenty-two years and now you decide I'm creepy?”

“I've always thought you were creepy. I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.”

That gets a proper smile from him. Colin leans forward until his knees touch mine and says, “Come here.”

I do because I don't care that we're in a waiting room. I stand between his knees and let him put his arms around my waist while mine settle around his shoulders. Danny goes quiet behind me. Marcus doesn't say anything either. For a few seconds, I simply stand there with Colin's face against my stomach and my fingers in his hair.

Then a nurse calls my name and every muscle in my body locks. Nobody moves. The nurse smiles gently from the doorway. “Beatrice?”

“I've changed my mind,” I announce.