Page 28 of And It’s Still You

“What?”

“I know you heard me.”

I inched closer to her, and surprisingly, she didn’t dismiss me. “You’re still pretty as fuck, you know that, right?”

“I look in the mirror every day. I know what I see.”

“But do you know what I see?”

“Intrigue me.”

“I see the girl who first fell in love with me, the one I accidentally ran into in the hallway. I see the woman she became as the years went by, the one who stayed down for me, even when she was unsure. I see the woman who found herself and knew her worth, the one who no longer wanted to put up with my shit.

“I’ve witnessed so many versions of you, Love, and each one seems to get more beautiful. In my eyes, you’re the perfect woman, something a man dreams of. I get pissed at myself thinking of how I fumbled you. The thought of another man getting pieces of you I had and new ones makes my damn legs weak. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.” I paused and wet my lips, trying not to get too deep. “I see you in ways no one else can.”

Moya’s bottom lip quivered as tears filled her eyes. She leaned her head back and blew through the circle her lips formed. When she lowered it, her tears streamed down her cheeks. I reached over and thumbed one away, but they continued to fall.

“You know, I think about how we first met often. Anytime I see you, it’s the first thing that goes through my mind,” she admitted, smiling. “I still see that young man in you too, Shea. The fact we were able to grow with one another is beautiful. You’re not the same man I was married to. You’re different, a good different. I think putting yourself first and pouring into what you truly love has been amazing for you.

“And don’t ever think you fumbled me. You provided me with some of the best years of my life. There’s not one good memory I can think of that you’re not in. You gave me our biggest blessing. You helped me become the woman I am today. I’ll forever be grateful for you and cherish you, Shea. I mean, look at you now. You’re still going above and beyond to protect us, to make sure we’re good. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’ll always be like that.”

I nodded. “You’re right. It always will be because I love you, Moya.”

“And I love you too, Shea.”

“Nah. I don’t think you love me the way I still love you.”

“What if I do?”

Her question stunned me. I didn’t expect her to respond with a question, one that had me wondering if she’d felt that way all along.

My hands tugged at my chin hair. “Would you tell me if you did?”

“I would, but it scares me to even think about it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to be hurt again, and I don’t want to hurt you again. You mean too much to me for us to go through the motions again. Divorcing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was an internal battle; one I feel was wrong but necessary if that makes sense. For the first year, there wasn’t a day that passed where I didn’t question whether I did the right thing or not.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me ’bout it?”

“I was prideful, truthfully. I was the one who ended the marriage, so I wanted to stand on my word.”

I pulled a little harder on my hair as I digested Moya’s words. The thought of her regretting to divorce me never crossed my mind because she never made it seem as if she did. Pride could be ugly. I was a witness to that, but I was grateful Moya was being real with me. In my eyes, it was never too late, not when it came to her.

With my body facing hers, I placed my hand on her exposed thigh and questioned, “Is that why you’ve never dated anyone seriously?”

“Yes, and because I didn’t think I could ever trust a man the way I trust you. This may sound crazy, but I found myself comparing them to you. Any little thing they did wrong, I would think about how you did it better. Mentally, it consumed me to the point where I decided to keep it casual until I felt ready, until I could get you off my mind and heart. Unfortunately, it never happened, so I settled for sex.”

As I listened to her, my hand traveled up her thigh to her waist. Moya squealed when I picked her up and placed her on my lap to where she was straddling me. She didn’t move. My hands remained on her waist while she draped hers over my shoulders, gently gripping the back of my neck. Having her so close, damn near skin to skin, was something I dreamed about over the years. To have it made me emotional internally, but externally, I kept it together.

“It’s been the same for me as well,” I confessed, sliding my hands up the back of her shirt and rubbing her lower back. “When you left, I knew I’d never be able to get over you, not when you’re my soulmate, Moya. For years, I’ve prayed for God to reconnect us in the way He saw fit. Whether it was as lovers or friends, I prayed for the strength to accept whatever was destined for us. It’s been hard because of yo’ stubborn, mean ass, but now, it’ll be different.”

“How so?”

“You think I’m ’bout to let this conversation slide? Hell nah. Knowing we still love one another and have been acting on fear and pride all these years changes things for me. It’s out in the open now, Love. I should’ve never come up off you, but I did so out of respect and acceptance of how I fucked up. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m not ’bout to make the same ones over again, not if it gives me a chance to spend my life with you again.”

Moya licked her lips and took a deep breath. When she got off me, my heart dropped to my stomach. I assumed what I said had her second-guessing being honest with me, but she lay down and reached out for me. Knowing exactly what she wanted, I cuddled up behind her and held her close, feeling an immense amount of peace. I kissed her shoulder and rested my head against it. My body instantly relaxed to the point I could fall asleep. Being in her presence, so close, did that to me.