Page 22 of And It’s Still You

Moya snapping her fingers made me look up. Her lips were tightly pursed together as she shook her head. I didn’t miss the way her eyes scanned over my body, stopping at the waistband of my shorts. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve sworn her body quivered. Goosebumps popped up all over her exposed skin. Not wanting to think too deeply into it, I sat in the chair across from her and waited for her to finish her conversation.

“I’m sorry about that,” she stated after she hung up, giving me her undivided attention, her eyes falling to my chest. “When did you get that?”

“About a year ago.”

“You mind if I get a better look?”

I stood up and walked over to her. Moya’s fingers traced the lines of Ocean’s name over my left chest. Her touch lingered far longer than I expected it to. Our eyes locked as her palm stretched over my chest, and her thumb ran over my nipple. I licked my lips and grabbed her wrist.

“You know what that does to me, Moya. If you’re not trying to go there with me, then stop where you are. You’re already naked, so it would be nothing for me to slide up in you. If that’s what you want, don’t move.”

Moya closed her mouth, and I heard the loud gulp travel down her throat. I released her wrist, giving her the chance to decide what she wanted to do. Her hand stayed put for almost a second too long. There was something behind her eyes telling me she was having an internal battle. The shit was hard for me, so I could only imagine what was going through her mind. When I took another step between her legs, Moya removed her hand and ran it through her hair.

With a slow nod of my head, I backed away and sat back down. That was probably the best decision for both of us, but damn . . . The desire I had for her increased to new heights. It would be hard as hell to have her living with me and not have a piece of her outside of Ocean, but I had enough discipline to be good.

“So, what’s up, Shea?” Moya cleared her throat and asked.

“I was coming to check on you and see what all you needed for me to get from your house for you.”

“How long do you think we’ll be here? I don’t want to stay too long. I love having my space.”

“I’m not sure, Moya. We don’t even know who it could be, so you know how that goes. We could figure shit out tomorrow, or it could be months from now. All I know is that y’all ain’t going anywhere until we nip shit in the bud.”

“And are you sure this doesn’t have anything to do with you still being a part of JMG?”

I heavily sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “You know I got out two years ago, Moya. That’s all on Onyx now. I’m sure it has to do with my connection to it and the Collier bloodline, but other than that, nah.”

“Tell me something, Shea.”

“What?”

“Why did you wait until after I was done to go legit? I mean, you already had your degree. All you had to do was pass the NAPLEX and get your state license to do what you’re doing now.” She flared her nostrils and rolled her eyes. “You decided to fight when the fight was over. Make that make sense.”

There it was. I knew it was coming.

No matter what, Moya always found a way to bring up the past. She found a way to remind me that I fucked up and lost my family. It was one reason I was hesitant about her staying. My home was meant to be peaceful for me. If she couldn’t get with the program, then I’d have her stay with Onyx or someone I knew could protect her and Ocean.

I leaned back in my seat and said, “Let’s lay it all out on the table then. Get everything you need to off yo’ chest right now because I’m not ’bout to be doing this shit with you every day, Moya.”

“What shit?”

“Arguing ’bout the past when it’s over. There’s nothing you or I can do to change it, so why keep beating a dead horse? I understand there are some things we need to discuss, things that were left unsaid, but all the blaming me for us not being a family is getting old. You don’t think I know that shit? Hell, as much as you remind me, it’s all I can ever think ’bout.”

Tears welled in her eyes. “I don’t remind you that much.”

“Bullshit. Why do you think we can never have a civil conversation? It’s been five years, Moya. Five. You would think we’d be able to be around one another and be cool.”

“Pfft. How can we be cool when I’m still fuckin’ hurt, Shea? Instead of us living under the same roof, we have to split time between Ocean because I had to choose us when you couldn’t. Every time I look at you, I’m reminded of the life we used to have, the life I wanted us to have, the life I mourn. That shit isn’t easy for me.”

“And you think it’s easy for me? To know I’m the reason we’re not the family we’re supposed to be is a heavy-ass load to carry, but I carry it. I could let it hinder me and make me bitter, but I don’t. At the end of the day, life continues. I have to be grateful for where I am now, for the changes I made. Did I make them too late? Maybe so. Everything happens for a reason, Moya. We may never understand why, but they do.

“One thing you gotta realize is that we’re not the same people we were five years ago. Just like when we got married, we weren’t the same people we were when we were teenagers. Time has passed. Just as time changes, so do people. I learned from my mistakes. I continue to try to better myself for Ocean and others around me every day, including you. If I was selfish, I would have stayed in JMG. You and I both know that wasn’t my plan from the start anyway. You know my hand was forced into it, but I always had a backup plan. I’m sorry I didn’t execute it fast enough for you. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the man you needed.” I stood up, walked over to Moya, and kissed her forehead. “I hope that one day, you can find that man. Just know no one will ever love you like I do, and I can bet my life on that.”

With that, I walked out of her room, giving her time to think things over. I’d go to her house and video call her to get everything she needed later. For now, I was about to call Jess back to see if she could be my stress reliever, knowing I’d be thinking about Moya the entire time.

7

MOYA COLLIER