Page 108 of Ice Dance

The shame and regret, the pain and exhaustion, it pushed down and down, trying to crush me on that terrace. I stood numbly, shivering next to him. I felt small, felt stupid, like a boy he was scolding.

“I need it.” The words came out quietly. “My hip . . . it’s fucked. I can’t dance without it, the pain is . . . It’s too much.”

He closed his eyes and tipped his head back. The fight went out of him too, and his shoulders dropped. “Why didn’t you come to me?”

“Because . . .” I sniffed, shivering, teeth chattering. “Because there’s no fixing it. The second I’d told you, I knew this would happen.”

He dropped his chin and glared. “Stop taking it.”

“I can’t.”

“You must.”

“I can’t skate without it!” I panted. “Ren, please, listen.”

“I will not skate with you if you’re taking drugs! Do you understand me?”

“Then we are done!” I stepped back. I’d never felt further away from him than in that moment. He just stared. He didn’t reach for me, didn’t try and comfort me, didn’t want to hear anything about why I’d done this terrible thing and what it had cost me already. He just stood there and judged, cold and heartless, like everyone had said he was.

“God, I thought you were different, thought you’d get it.”

I shook so hard now, and not from the cold. My face was wet, not from snowflakes. I hated this, hated him, hated myself even more.

“They won’t test; it’ll be fine. We’re going to win. We can’t stop now.”

“Camden—”

“No, I won’t let you ruin this for me, for us. I have to do this. I can’t fuck this up, Ren, I can’t be that person in this. I have to make it happen. They won’t test and we’ll dance and we’ll fucking win, because we’re that good. I won’t embarrass you. I will be the best fucking dancer next to you. I won’t let us down, I won’t.” I wasn’t even sure what I was saying anymore, I just needed him to know, to understand, that if this was taken from me, then I had nothing left. And I couldn’t go back to that.

Ren’s arms came around me, and he pulled me against his chest. His warmth soaked into my bones. I trembled in his arms, jaw set, to keep my teeth from rattling. I clutched at his costume inside the coat, dug my fingers in, afraid that if I let him go, he’d be gone forever. All of this would be gone forever.

“I don’t care about the competition,” he whispered into my hair. His arms tightened, hugging me closer. “The risk to you is too great.”

“But I can do this,” I whispered.

“You can, I know . . . but not this year.”

No. No, I could do this now. I had to do this. “Please.” I sobbed. “Don’t take this from me.”

“I’m sorry, Cam.”

I shoved my face into his costume, and his arms tightened still, so the both of us shook. Had he not held me up, my legs would have given way.

He’d pulled the plug on us, on my dreams, my future . . . He’d ruined it.

No.

I’d ruined everything.

THIRTY-NINE

REN

He didn’t see the tears in my eyes. I made sure of that. One of us had to remain steady. There was no use in both of us falling apart here.

I held him, and wished I could be the thing that took his pain away, not the drugs he’d been relying on likely for months. I should have known; I should have seen it sooner.

I had failed him.