Page 75 of In Between Death and the Devil

“No.”

I narrowed my eyes. His answer was far too quick. For once, our connection didn’t bother me. I wanted him to know what I was feeling just as I wanted to know what he was feeling. There was something on his side I couldn’t read. Something that lurked beneath the surface of his emotions. “Liar.”

“I don’t want to influence your decision. I don’t want to seduce you into joining me.”

“Oh, really? Then why did you kiss me the first time we met?” I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth.

“Because I wanted to. Because I wanted to have something when we were just Fen and Maeve and not the Devil and the next Death.” His confession was sweet, but he still wasn’t telling me the whole truth, and that made my hackles rise. What was he keeping from me?

“And what do you want now?”

He shook his head and turned away, like he didn’t know how to explain.

“You say desire isn’t an issue, so you do want me, but you don’t want me like this. You want me to trust you, but you don’t want me to jump into your arms after I nearly died and⁠—”

“Don’t think I haven’t forgotten about your reckless behavior.” He pointed at me, like I was a naughty child. “I ought to put you over my knee and spank you for that.”

Something deep in my core clenched at the threat.

Heat flared in his eyes as he sensed my reaction through our bond.

I shook myself, not wanting to get distracted. He’d told me he wasn’t going to touch me. “Don’t change the subject. Speak plainly. What do you want from me?”

His mouth flattened, and I sensed something new in our bond, a thread of uncertainty and a painful vulnerability. That was what was driving his fussiness.

And that was when I realized, “You want me to choose you.”

Something raw crept into his expression at my words and I knew I was on the right track.

I hazarded a guess. “You want me to choose you because… I want you, not because of anything else.”

He didn’t need to tell me that I was right. I could feel that I was.

Pain seeped through our connection from him. “You won’t even use my name,” he said quietly.

I closed my eyes for a moment, because he was right. I hadn’t considered how much it would bother him, and if I was honest, even if I had I wouldn’t have cared. “I do want you, Fen.” My gaze met his as I spoke the words. “Not because of who we are or what’s happening. I want you in spite of it. Otherwise, I never would have kissed you.”

His mouth twitched as he struggled to take in what I’d said. I could tell he wanted to believe me, but there was something in him that refused.

It felt like I’d swallowed a ball of lead. Between my trust issues, and his self-worth issues, I wondered if maybe I’d been right when I decided we’d only have a platonic bond. Everything in me rebelled at the thought, but I could tell there was nothing I could say right now to convince him I wanted him.

Stung, I straightened my tunic and ran my hand over my hair. “I need Daphne’s answer to Death’s message.”

“Of course,” he said. Clearing his throat, he strode for the door. “I’ll get her.”

I looked at the floor rather than watch him walk away.

* * *

I shut the pantry door in Death’s chambers and leaned against it, wondering how much more of this day I had to get through before I could be alone with my spinning thoughts. The essence tonic I’d gotten from the healer on my way back had made me feel less depleted, but I still wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days.

“Maeve,” Death called.

I flinched. How did she always know when I’d returned?

“Yes, my goddess.” I forced my feet to move in the direction of her voice.

Passing through the dining room, I saw Talia at the table with a ledger in front of her. She gave me a strange look, like she knew what I’d been up to and was judging me for it. Strange, since she normally barely acknowledged me.