Page 60 of In Between Death and the Devil

My heart tugged at the self-loathing in our bond.

“So, I let myself off the leash. I was careful about how I used my talent, but I no longer kept it locked away. If I thought I could help or do some good, I used it. I was home less and less. Esther was so sad, and I didn’t know what to do to help her, so I threw myself into making the world a better place. And then a miracle happened. Esther became pregnant.”

My heart stalled in my chest. Had he had a child? I could imagine him as a father, a family man, and it was… appealing in a way that startled me. I’d come to terms with the fact that I’d never have a child a long time ago. Seeing the future deaths of my family was bad enough, I couldn’t stomach the idea of seeing the death of a child of my own. I didn’t regret it, but now, I wondered what I was missing.

“We were cautious, but as she started to show and we felt the baby move inside her we allowed ourselves to celebrate. She was so careful, not wanting to do anything that might cause a miscarriage. She stopped working and stayed mostly at home. If only I’d been as careful.” He winced.

Dread coiled in my gut.

“I didn’t stop using my gift. Now that I had a taste for it, I didn’t want to. I didn’t think about the consequences.” His disgust was stomach-turning. “One afternoon, I came home to find a stranger waiting for me. He sat at Esther’s feet holding a skein of yarn as she wound it into a ball. Something about him made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. He introduced himself as Stephen Russell, told me he’d heard I was the man to see if someone needed a conflict resolved, that he was in need of something with my skills, and would pay me handsomely. I thanked him and declined, but it quickly became obvious that he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Things got heated, and when he threatened to harm Esther, I relented.

“The things Russell had me do were small at first—convincing bureaucrats to look the other way when a shipment was received in the harbor—but it wasn’t long until his requests became bigger and more unsavory. He took me to a warehouse one night with a group of his men and told me to convince the lone guard to let us in. Except once we got inside, we discovered there was more than one. There was a scuffle and the inside guard ended up dead, his throat slit. They killed the one outside, too, not wanting to leave any witnesses.”

I swallowed, knowing all too well what it was like to have blood on your hands because of a ‘talent’ you didn’t ask for.

“Esther knew as soon as I got home that night that something was wrong. I couldn’t hide what had happened. I was too shaken. The blood of two men was now on my hands. She was the one to convince me that enough was enough. We planned to leave, to go somewhere new and start fresh. We kept it secret, planning to disappear overnight as soon as we could manage, but somehow Russell found out. I was working in the shop a couple of days later when I heard Esther cry out just outside. I found her at the bottom of the stairs to our apartment. Someone had thrown her down them, as a warning from Russell. She was already bleeding. She lost the baby that night.”

Tears threatened, not just because of his words, but because of his heartbreak I felt through our bond.

“I held her as she cried afterwards, feeling like a monster. I’d been determined to use my talent and she bore the cost.” His voice trailed off, as if he couldn’t speak anymore.

I didn’t tell him it wasn’t his fault, because I knew it wouldn’t matter. He still felt responsible over a hundred years later. Nothing I could say would change that. I knew it because I felt the same about what I’d done. I just waited until he was ready to continue.

“When I held you as you cried, I flashed back to that night. I knew you weren’t Esther, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop seeing her. I had to get away, to find a way to make the memories stop.”

My stomach twisted. His explanation made sense, but it made me recall his words the night he’d pushed me away. “You said my emotions were loud.”

He nodded. “Your grief reminded me of hers.”

“You said I was weak, that bonding with me was a mistake.” My voice shook.

“I was talking about myself, not you or our bond. You are not weak, Maeve. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.” His eyes met mine. “I’m sorry for all of it.”

Part of me believed him, but it felt too convenient. I didn’t think he was lying about what had happened. His emotions perfectly matched the story he’d told me. I doubted even he could be that good of a liar, but he’d also told me he’d had a talent for persuasion. My gift hadn’t gone away when I arrived in the In Between. It simply changed. He’d told me himself that he’d come here trying to outrun his, only to find that he couldn’t. I needed proof he wasn’t manipulating me.

“Was Colt working for you?” My heartbeat throbbed at my throat.

“What?” He frowned, confusion flowing through our connection.

“It never made sense to me why Colt stole my father’s merchant ring. He didn’t have the means to do anything with it. He must have stolen it for someone else. Was it you?”

“No.” His outrage was palpable. “What would I have done with a merchant ring in the World of the Living?”

“After I was arrested, you fixed my sentence so that I’d come to the In Between. You said you’d watched me since I was young. You could have hired Colt to get me arrested, because you were tired of waiting for a Successor to arrive to take down Death.” I trembled with the effort of holding myself together, waiting for his answer.

He jerked back as if I’d struck him. “Is that what you think of me?”

“I don’t know what to think except that I’m a terrible judge of character.”

His hands dropped, the crack finally sealed. “I thought we were making progress, that you were starting to trust me.” He did nothing to hide his devastation, which confused me even more.

“It’s not that I don’t want to trust you.” I did, I realized. I wanted it so bad it ached. “I just don’t know that I can.”

“So what do you want from me?”

“Prove to me that you weren’t involved.”

He ran his hand through his hair, tugging on the strands. “If I do, will it be enough? Or will you always doubt me?”