Page 32 of In Between Death and the Devil

My hands went cold thinking about what was in there. “So, how do we get to whatever is in the middle?”

“We’ll peel back a layer at a time until we reach the center. Are you ready?”

I drew a thin breath and nodded.

“Come and stand in front of it,” he said. “I’m going to stand right next to you.”

“What do you want me to do?” I felt him tasting my emotions, a sort of draw through the thread that connected us, but I kept my focus on the dark mass in front of me. The only way out was through the heart of it, and I wanted out now.

“You’re going to touch your fear. Put your hand into it and then tell me what you feel.”

The words were barely out of his mouth before I plunged my hand into the center of it.

It was nothing like I expected. The swirling mass was thick, almost viscous. It felt like heavy air, something I could walk through. My hand tingled in a way that reminded me of my visions. And then the mass turned cold.

I gasped as grief flooded through me. Tears sprang to my eyes. It was so intense that my knees buckled.

Strong hands caught me and an arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me into a hard chest, holding me upright. “You’re doing well.” I could feel the Devil’s warm breath on my neck. “If you need to stop just remove your hand.”

I shook my head, tears sliding down my cheeks.

“Okay. Name the emotion you’re feeling for me, Maeve.”

“Grief.” I choked the word out.

“Good. Can you tell where it’s coming from, or something that it’s connected to? Maybe a flicker of a memory?”

Taking a shaky breath, I closed my eyes and searched my body and mind, but there was nothing but grief. Rivers of it, so much that I felt I might drown. “No.”

“That’s okay. Pull your hand back. You’ve done really well for your first time.” He tried to ease me back, but I tensed and shook him off.

“No. Not yet.”

“Maeve, it’s okay that you didn’t sense anything. These things take time.” He didn’t touch me again, but I felt him hovering behind me.

I didn’t have time. I needed more. He said there was more here. I just had to figure out how to access it.

As if it sensed my determination, the darkness in front of me flickered, and in the split second that it lit up I saw something. It wasn’t clear enough for me to make out, but there was something there. Something inside.

“Did you…?” he asked.

Ignoring him, I concentrated on my hand where it touched the darkness. I could still feel the grief, but as I moved my hand in a little further, it turned to anger. Hot and sticky, it roared through me. I felt a small wave of satisfaction as well.

“Maeve, talk to me. What are you doing?”

“I’m getting somewhere.”

“Okay, tell me what you’re feeling.” Unease trickled down the thread connecting us.

“Anger.”

“Can you tell what it’s connected to?”

I didn’t close my eyes this time. I didn’t need to. “Sort of. It’s coming from whatever’s at the heart of this, but the anger is just a small part of it. The grief, too.” Now that I was closer to it, I could sense how much larger the whole was than just these two emotions. How much heavier. I inched my hand in a little more, and the anger turned to terror.

“Maeve, I know you want to make more progress, but you need to stop.” He put a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Pushing through can be counterproductive. You need to learn to trust yourself, and that takes time. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

Easy for him to say. He didn’t care how long this took. I didn’t want to go any further, but the only way out was through. Whatever was waiting for me in there, I had to face it. Tonight. Tomorrow. Months from now. The idea of having to come back to it, over and over, only getting bits and pieces at a time, of not knowing where or when it would end, made my skin crawl. Plus, I didn’t want to be trapped in our deal any longer than necessary. I couldn’t wait. I had to know.