Page 91 of Her Royal Houseguest

‘There is no way to be perfect in this. No way to win.’

Deva shook his head. ‘There is. I just…’ He lifted his hands. ‘I cannot find it.’ Then he looked at her, his gaze pleading. ‘Will you help me?’

She wanted to. Everything in her wanted to aid his cause for his sake. But she didn’t know how. How did one win an unwinnable war? It wasn’t possible. And so what Deva needed to learn was how to live with failure.

How funny that the one thing he’d taught her was the one thing he desperately needed to learn. Not that he was a failure. He’d shown her that she wasn’t a failure either. But how to forgive himself for not being perfect.

The anger that so poisoned his heart, the fury that led him to lash out at everyone around him, was because he couldn’t forgive himself for failing a doomed mission. He thought he was unloved if he wasn’t perfect.

And that just wasn’t true.

‘You need to learn forgiveness,’ she said.

He sighed. ‘I have already forgiven Vaji. After all, I have done the same transgression with you. He chose a stupid time and place but the sin was the same.’

Not quite. Vaji was a monk. Or he had been. But that wasn’t the point she needed to make. ‘You need to forgive yourself. You’re not perfect either.’

‘I try,’ he whispered.

So did she. Daily. But that didn’t excuse the way he’d lashed out.

Finally, she made her decision. It wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do.

‘I will help you,’ she said. ‘Though I don’t know how. You need more respect from Prinny or less greed from the East India Company.’ That was a tall order but she’d try.

‘Thank you. D—’ he began but she held up her hand.

‘I will help you because I believe you deserve respect. But I will not love you.’

His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to argue. Then he dipped his chin in acceptance. They were so close, she could see the way his shoulders sagged and his spine bowed though the movements were minimal.

‘So it is,’ he said. And though she didn’t exactly understand his phrasing, she could see he had accepted her pronouncement.

If only her heart would comply.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Anna remained firm as Deva kissed her hands then left. She would not allow a man she didn’t love into her bed. And so she repeated that to herself all through the long night as she thought about him.

How could she help his mission? Without compromising England?

Thanks to Deva, she now accepted that she wasn’t cursed because she preferred her left hand. But if she was truly as capable as everyone else, what would she do with her time and her efforts?

Exactly what she wanted with no excuse. She wasn’t cursed, so she had no excuse when she failed. She was perfectly capable, so she must use her talents to affect whatever situation she wanted.

What she wanted was to help the Siamese delegation get the negotiation they deserved. One with the Crown and not the East India Company.

And while she was doing that, she needed to show Deva that she forgave him for what he had said to her. That didn’t mean she allowed him to lash out at her. Only that he was not dead to her. That she still cared for him, still showed him friendship. They could speak kindly with each other at meals. She could inquire after his day and share with him her own.

She could do everything that she would with a good friend to show that she had not cut him out of her life. Merely her bedroom. Because she would not be intimate with a man who had so broken her trust.

Or so she told herself. In truth, Deva was in her bedroom every night. Not in body but in every other way as he occupied her thoughts, her dreams and her fantasies.

Every night she closed her eyes and, unbidden, memories of their time together filled her. She remembered moments when his eyes had crinkled in amusement or widened in surprise. Or better yet, when they had debated one thing over another. The man did love to debate and she had joyously risen to the challenge every time.

When she slept, her dreams were filled with fantasies of their bodies moving together. Of his hands on her breasts, of his organ between her thighs. Of his penetration and her joyous acceptance.

And when she woke, her body empty and aching, her thoughts lingered on how she might help him this day. On what she might do to fulfil his dreams all intertwined with dreams of them living together and raising children together. English and Siamese somehow mixing into a glorious family filled with laughter and lively debate.