Page 32 of Axe Marks the Spot

“I, um…I—um…”

“Take a deep breath for me, Lindsey.” I wait to hear the inhale, and then praise her for listening. “That’s it. And another.” She does as she’s told, and I feel satisfied at the ease with which she submits to me. Even if I don’t think she realizes she’s doing it quite yet. That’s an awareness she’ll build over time.

“Good,” I say when her breath sounds calmer and easier. “Do you think you can tell me what made you so upset just then?”

“I work at a hospital.”

I did know that already. Not only because I saw her there the other day but also because I asked her for basic information, if she was willing to give it, in the questionnaire. Single, thirty-three years old, and occupation: ER nurse.

“Yes, you said that on your questionnaire.”

“Oh, right.”

“Are you worried you won’t be able to find time to do what I require because of your work, or is it something else?”

She pauses once more before she continues. “I…well, as I mentioned in the questionnaire, I’ve been dealing with some financial issues. I’ve been working more, taking on extra shifts. Like I said, I just don’t want to fail.”

There’s a pull in my gut, one that says there’s something she’s not telling me. But I’ve asked her to be honest, so I’m going to have to trust her.

“Can I let you in on a secret?”

“Okay,” she answers.

“You’re going to fail, Lindsey.”

“What?”

She sounds so offended that my cheek twitches. “You are. And since we’re being honest, you have been failing already, have you not? It’s why you wanted to work with me.”

She does the smart thing and thinks before she responds. “I’m not going to lie; that made me uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable good or uncomfortable bad?”

“There’s a difference?”

“Let me ask, do you want to use your safe word?”

“No, of course not.”

“As I said, I’m here to push you out of your comfort zone, and that can make you uncomfortable, which is a good thing. But if what I said made you uncomfortable in a way that violated your boundaries, then you use your safe word, and we evaluate how we move forward.”

“I see what you mean, Sir. I just do not like to fail, and you’re right; I have been failing in my life. It’s not been easy.”

“I understand and hear you, but I think it’s important to know that you will continue to fail because it’s part of learning. I’ll fail, too. Neither of us is going to be perfect, which is why honesty and communication are important. The question is: Are you willing to learn how to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, even derive satisfaction from it?”

“Yes, I do want to learn.”

“I think you forgot something.”

She corrects herself quickly. “Yes, Sir. I do want to learn.”

“Lindsey?” I hum.

“Yes, Sir?”

“Look at you, failing and learning already.”

I hear a soft laugh, and it warms my chest. “I suppose you’re right.”