Page 124 of All the way home

Stubbornly, Rena remains silent.

“You’ve always cared more about Kieran’s well-being than your own, haven’t you?” Sahar asks gently.

“Well, someone has to,” Rena says grouchily, even as a pang of resonance rips through her at the words.

“Maybe . . .” Sahar trails off.

For once, Rena is pretty sure she knows what somebody is going to say before they’ve said it. “Maybe it’s easier to worry about someone else than it is to examine my own issues?”

Sahar winces. “I mean, I was going to try phrasing it more diplomatically than that.”

Rena groans, burying her face in her hands. “I can’t believe I shut you out for so long over something so stupid. You didn’t deserve that.”

Sahar gives her a wan, tired smile. “I really didn’t, did I?”

There’s enough surprise and relief in her voice that Rena’s chest constricts. “Did you not know that? Did you seriously not know that you did nothing wrong?”

“I shouldn’t have pushed,” Sahar says. “I guess I just always thought . . . maybe you were trying to tell me. Maybe you already knew, and you wanted me to be the one to say something.”

“Worse than that,” Rena says. “I was totally oblivious.”

Sahar shoots her a sharp look. “So . . . I wasn’t totally off base.”

Rena deflates. “Not at all. I just didn’t . . . I don’t know what it means.”

“Not everybody . . .” Sahar stares down at her hands where they rest in her lap, clearly trying to find the right words.

“You won’t scare me off,” Rena assures her. “I’ll behave, this time.”

That earns her the barest smile. “Not everybody wants everything the rest of the world seems to think they should.”

Tears well. “I want to feel the things I’m supposed to.”

When Rena thinks about the future—a future where she and Lucas move in together, where they couple off, where they eventually do follow in Siobhan and Oscar’s footsteps—she’s been unable to name the snarled pinch of emotion she feels.

But now that she’s thinking about it—letting herself think about it—she can name it.

Dread.

She leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees, putting her face in her hands. “It’ll crush him.”

“Or,” Sahar says, slowly, “maybe it’ll set him free.”

“I missed you,” Rena whispers, because it’s true and it needs to be said. There are a lot of things Rena needs to start saying, she’s realizing.

“God, me too.”

“Did I ruin my shot at being your friend?” Rena asks, unable to force herself to look up.

Next to her, Sahar’s exhale trembles. “No. Not at all.”

Relief burns.

“Please,” Rena urges, “catch me up, a little? You’re at U of C, right?”

“Yeah,” she says. “Dorm life sucks. My roommate might be a vampire.”

Rena laughs. “Are the classes okay, at least?”