Page 14 of Goode Tidings

Growling. Grimacing. Feasting on the hearts of hapless woodland creatures. Maybe that last one is extreme. I'm sure I would be a real treat too if I were told I needed to vacate the place I'd turned into a home.

"I'm not sure," I answer. "You worried?"

Oliver shrugs and retreats to the living room.

I finish assembling the ziti and slide it into the oven. A quick peek at Oliver tells me he is knee-deep in firing off multiple text messages to a group chat. Probably detailing his eventful day to his friends from back home using messages with no punctuation or capitalization, and plenty of shorthand that I've had to consult the internet to understand the meaning of.

With Oliver occupied and dinner cooking in the oven, I grab my phone to check what I've missed. I felt the buzzing in my back pocket as we walked through the grocery store, knowing it was probably my mom asking if we made it safely. I had promised her I would text her when we arrived, but between the naked squatter and my crusty boss, I'd forgotten.

There are a handful of text messages: two from my mom and three from the group chat with Paisley, Cecily, and Paloma. One of the most unexpected, but for which I'm supremely grateful, bonuses of my little brother getting married was his wife becoming my new friend and folding me into her group with her two best friends. Most of my friends are the moms of buddies Oliver has made through the years, and even though I've become close with a few of them, I've learned our friendship parallels our kids' friendship. New schools, new classrooms, the ceasing of a shared interest, all automatically result in a decreasing friendship.

I text my mom back first, telling her we had a hiccup, but everything is fine and I will call her tomorrow. Next, I tap on the group chat named Pretty Babies. Paisley chose that name, and I'm anxiously waiting for Cecily or Paloma to change it. Cecily is irreverent, and Paloma is a wild card. One of them has to come up with something new soon.

Paisley: Eden! Have you made it to Snowflake yet?

Cecily: It's hotter than a sauna in hell in the valley today. Please tell me you're enjoying those cool mountain temps.

Paloma: I'm practically naked right now. It's the only way to survive late August.

Eden: Speaking of naked...

Paisley: ???

I type out a long paragraph explaining what took place today, starting with happening upon Hot Naked Guy and ending with baked ziti in a decked out kitchen.

Paisley: I read your text out loud to Klein. He wants to know if you need a bodyguard?

Cecily: Dom says to tell Klein he's too pretty to be anybody's bodyguard.

Paisley: He really is nice to look at.

Paloma: Ugh. Stop simpering over your husband. Eden, SPILL. What was it like?

Eden: What was what like?

Paloma: His wiener.

I snort-laugh. I'd do bad things to hear Paloma say wiener in her Brazilian accent.

Eden: Umm. Have you not seen one before?

Paloma: Don't play coy. It doesn't suit you.

Cecily: We want the tea. Not me, of course. I don't need to know such things. Serve the tea piping hot to the Brazilian horndog in the corner. I only have eyes for one schlong.

Paisley: Fitting, because the schlong only has one eye for you.

Eden: Can this be over? One of you is married to my brother, and the other is married to my cousin.

Paloma: Marked safe from being married to a member of your family. Therefore I ask, WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

Eden: Honestly, I barely saw it. He was lightning fast picking up his towel.

Paloma: EDEN MADIGAN stop being boring.

Eden: I was being respectful of someone's privacy.

Paloma: I bet you wanted to RESPECT his private.