Page 377 of Eight of Swords, Part One

Except no, Jules isn’t like that.

He doesn’t hurt anyone for the sake of it.

He’s nineteen years old and he’s terrified.

So Lachlan lets Jules do what he needs to while his energy slowly burns out and all that remains is grief too heavy to sustain the momentum of violence. His blows grow weaker, his breaths fracture beneath ugly, heaving sobs. It’s painful enough to witness, let alone feel.

When Jules exhausts himself, Lachlan sits up slowly.

‘Jules,’ he says, hand hovering close to his face, awaiting permission.

Eyes closed tight, Jules brings Lachlan’s hand clumsily to his cheek, pressing it there like he wouldn’t do it otherwise, and it’s true. Lachlan wanted permission. Jules cries in silent, anguished paroxysms, the kind that make your insides ache afterwards.

‘I’m sorry,’ Lachlan whispers. He feels so lost.

Jules shakes his head. ‘Don’t.’

‘I am though.’

‘I thought—’

‘I wasn’t trying to—’

‘I thought she was enough,’ Jules cuts over swiftly.

Lachlan tries to read him but it’s hard with his eyes closed. ‘Mimi?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I don’t understand.’

Jules opens his eyes, all red from crying. ‘I thought Mimi would always be enough for you to stay. I know I’m… that’s not how it is with us, but I thought you’d stay for her if no one else.’

‘If no one else?’ Lachlan echoes. ‘Jules, I wasn’t—’

Jules kisses him, angry and harsh. He’s still weak after the attack but he does what he can to spill his anger into the kiss and Lachlan feels like he’s drinking it, drowning in it. ‘You were trying to go away.’

‘No, baby. I love you. I love Mimi. I wasn’t trying to go away. I just…’

Jules wraps cold arms around his neck, the jealous octopus who will not be denied. He bites Lachlan’s jaw, whines irritably as fresh tears fall and Lachlan feels their wet warmth bloom against his own cheek. ‘You just what?’

‘I wanted to know how it felt.’

‘To die?’

‘To drown.’

‘Bodyguard.’ Jules has blood around his mouth from Lachlan’s split lip. ‘You never told me what happened.’

‘I did. I… I know I did.’

‘No,’ Jules says gently, brow dented. ‘You didn’t.’

‘I told you in the showers or… after? Didn’t I?’

‘No. I asked Blaire and Danya what happened and they told me they didn’t know. Blaire said you were having nightmares and it’s why I should give you space.’ Jules makes a face, visibly distressed. ‘I’ve tried to. I’ve tried really hard, but I know you’re pushing me away. You make me train with Danya.’

‘He’s better than me at—’